I can't even pretend I never want to see you again
by Dianaprince89
Summary: Jane goes undercover, pushing her friends and family away for their own safety.
1. New directions

Maura came sauntering in with coffee and bagels and perched on the edge of Jane's desk, a goofy grin spread wide across her face. Jane had been at work for hours already, the day nearly over, and was in no mood for a Google-mouth lesson about her poor posture as she slumped over her desk.

"What do you want, Maura," she sighed, not looking over from the form on her computer screen. Maura was wearing a new dress and since first laying eyes on her this morning, Jane had been distracted by it all day.

Jane had never thought about her perfect mate before, but when Maura strolled in this morning, Jane's entire body screamed "that's her!"

In the ivory sheath dress, Maura looked like a goddess. Her calves, excellently accentuated by her matching heels, trailed up to toned thighs that disappeared under soft fabric that clung to her hips, narrowed at her waist, and professionally yet tantalizingly accentuated her breasts. Her hair was uncharacteristically pulled back and it made Jane itch to kiss her neck.

"I brought you some coffee and a snack," Maura brushed off Jane's curtness. "Decaf, of course. Although you seem to have developed an immunity to caffeine, your body really doesn't need any additional stimulation at such a late hour."

Spring was in the air, and Maura was flaunting around in dresses and laughing and practically glowing. Jane was finding it increasingly difficult to tamp down on her feelings for the other woman and it was leaking into their friendship.

When Jane looked up, her gaze snagged on Maura's perfectly toned legs. It had been a long day, and Jane's defenses were weak. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"I've really gotta finish this Maur," Jane mumbled.

Maura stared until Jane met her eyes.

"Jane," her voice was gentle but firm. "Everyone else has gone home. You're exhausted. If I can't convince you to leave now, at least take a break for a minute. It will help you re-charge."

"Re-charge?" Jane smiled in spite of herself.

"Barry taught it to me," she flushed slightly. "Didn't I use it correctly?"

Jane laughed, and some of the tension in her shoulders eased.

"You did," she nodded, accepting the coffee. Her fingers brushed Maura's and she felt the familiar wave of longing wash over her. She smiled to cover it, and Maura's radiant smile in return warmed her like a June evening.

"Let's take a walk," Maura stood. "It's lovely outside."

Jane wanted to resist, to say no, to bury herself in paperwork and forget about Maura and her perfect legs and tantalizing lips and eyes you could drown in.

Of course, she was powerless to resist. She wondered if Maura was aware. She wondered how anyone could be unaware.

"A short one," Jane pretended to be aggravated, but inside she was delighted. She took a secret thrill in people seeing them together, in walking side-by-side through the world with a woman as phenomenal as Maura.

"Thank you," Maura held her hand out to Jane.

Jane just stared for a moment and the look on Maura's face faltered. Jane noticed the trembling in Maura's hand.

It hit her like a freight train. Something was… _off._

She accepted Maura's hand and stood up. She squinted slightly, as if that would make Maura confess. Instead, the other woman ducked her head, shying away from Jane's gaze.

Alarm bells went off in Jane's mind. She allowed Maura to lead them out of the building and into the warm late-spring air.

It was nice, or it would have been, if Maura weren't fidgeting as they walked. Jane gave her five minutes of silence before she stopped, turning to face the smaller woman.

"Spill it," Jane urged, a small smile on her face. She tried to look open, amenable, comfortable, but inside she was terrified. Maura didn't get nervous easily.

"I have to reschedule our plans for tomorrow," Maura breathed out in a rush.

Jane's brow furrowed. Disappointing, but not the end of the world. She waited for Maura to continue. When nothing more was forthcoming, Jane cocked her head.

"And?" she prompted.

"I'm going on a date," Maura blurted, flushing slightly.

Jane felt the words like a blow but she held her ground, kept her face impassioned.

But Maura knew better, and found her gaze. Jane couldn't shutter the emotion pouring out from her eyes so she closed them.

"You're upset," Maura asserted.

_Yes._

"No," Jane shook her head. "I'm just tired. It's fine that you have to cancel."

"I said _reschedule_," Maura's distress was clear. "I'm very sorry."

Jane kicked herself internally.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," she smiled as best she could. "It's great that you're going on a date. Who is it? That new guy from Narcotics? He was flirting with you pretty hard the other day."

"Actually," Maura swallowed the words that followed and Jane had to ask her to repeat them. "I said," Maura raised her voice nervously. "It's a woman I met in yoga class."

Jane thought she must be choking on nothing, and she thought Maura would tell her that was impossible if the other woman knew what she was thinking.

Coughing wildly, Jane tried to wrap her mind around the quagmire of emotions barreling through her and twisting her into knots. At the forefront was jealousy, an almost blinding feeling of possession, and then tangled up in that were sadness, loss, anger, and a million other little things she couldn't identify.

Maura reached over and rubbed her shoulders soothingly but Jane shied away from the touch. The hurt on Maura's face was instant and visceral.

The doctor's back straightened, as if she were steeling herself against the world. "I," she faltered. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm not," Jane stammered, trying to express herself before Maura got the wrong idea. "Shit, Maur. I'm not _upset_."

"You seem upset," Maura countered matter-of-factly. "Is it because I'm gay? Because technically I'm bisexual; studies have shown that human sexuality is actually a lot more fluid than mainstream social mores would lead you to believe and I'm no exception to that. I don't typically like to express my sexuality at work-"

"God no," Jane exhaled harshly. "It's not because you're… bisexual. This is a lot for me to process."

Stepping back, Maura appraised Jane with wary eyes. It shook Jane to the core to see that Maura's love and trust, usually so close to the surface of her gaze, were absent.

"I thought you were my friend," Maura's voice shook almost imperceptibly. "I thought I could tell you anything.

"Jesus," Jane grabbed Maura's hands and held tight. "I am your _best_ friend. You can tell me anything. I'm not judging your anything like that. I'm just surprised. I thought we were just going on a walk and you're coming out to me by telling me you're going on a date with some woman from yoga class. It's a lot for me at once, Maur."

Maura tensed and Jane squeezed her hands, refusing to let go.

"God, I'm being an ass," Jane groaned, endlessly exasperated with herself. Jane spotted a bench at the end of the block and led Maura towards it, still clutching one of the other woman's smaller hands in her own.

They sat down and Jane became acutely aware of the disparities between them. Maura sat delicately, properly. She was femininity to a T. The subtle hint of her perfume surrounded Jane.

Jane's lanky form, in contrast, was haphazard. Her long legs splayed carelessly in front of them, her clothing was rumpled and worn. She smelled like sweat and coffee and a hint of the Snickers bar she had eaten an hour ago.

"I'm sorry," Maura apologized, smiling softly. "I've never come out to anyone before."

"What?" Jane looked surprised. "What about, like, your parents?"

"I always figured I'd just tell them if I met someone I was going to marry," Maura shrugged. "But otherwise it isn't worth the distance it would interject between us. I have a hard enough time relating to them as it is. And I've never really had friends to come out to, and it's not really necessary to come out to the women you're dating- it's sort of implied."

"I uh," Jane swallowed harshly. She wanted to tell Maura how she felt but the words got lodged in her throat.

Maura's gaze on her was soft, expectant. Jane wanted to tell Maura she herself was gay, to kiss her, to ask her to date her, love her, marry her. Instead, she cleared her throat awkwardly.

"So someone from yoga class," Jane asked. "Anyone I know?"

"Grace," Maura replied. "You met her. Brunette, taller, brown eyes."

"Ah yeah," Jane nodded. She vaguely remembered the woman. Usually Jane's focus in yoga was two fold- one: not embarrassing herself, and two: watching Maura's taut, gorgeous body without getting caught. But she had a foggy memory of the woman at issue.

"She's very nice," Maura added. "You'd like her, I think. She invited me to get a drink and I thought, just this once, we could reschedule movie night."

"Of course," Jane tried to sound upbeat. "That's totally cool. Can't spend the rest of your life hanging out with me." It was supposed to be a joke but it came out stilted, hurt.

"I would love to spend the rest of my life hanging out with you," Maura responded. "And I intend to. But I want to be in love, Jane. I've missed out on a lot of things over the years because I just don't… fit in. I want love though, I want love and children and family and all the things I always thought were beyond my reach before I met you. You make me feel… _normal_, like I can have all the things I used to think were only for other people."

Jane wanted to yell, _then have them with me_, but she held her tongue.

"Is that ok?" Maura hedged when Jane's silence became oppressive.

Deflating, Jane turned to Maura and gently rubbed the other woman's forearm.

"Of course it is, Maura," Jane soothed. "You deserve that. You deserve everything. You're not _normal_ though, let's just get that straight. Normal is boring and lame and you are… you're so much better than that. You're spectacular, and don't ever think that what or who you are somehow means you don't deserve the best from the world- you do. The _best_."

Maura's soft, radiant smile bit at Jane like a sunburn, igniting her whole body with a burn that Jane knew would last for days before fading even the slightest.

"Thank you," Maura whispered. "I've never… I don't."

"Well there's something you don't see everyday," Jane rescued her, lightly teasing. "The brilliant Dr. Isles: speechless."

Maura impulsively turned and hugged Jane, wrapping both arms tightly around her in an awkward, seated embrace. Jane turned towards her, pulling her as close as the position would allow.

"I love you Jane," Maura sighed into her shoulder.

"I love you too, Maur," Jane returned, her voice gruffer than it should be.

"Do you?" Maura pulled back from the embrace. Suddenly, the distance between them was inches but growing by miles.

"You know I do," Jane countered instantly. There weren't many things in the world that she was absolutely certain of, but that was one of them.

"But not enough to be honest with me," Maura said quietly, but with iron strength.

"Maura," Jane hedged, gazing out at the oblivious passersby.

"I was honest with you, Jane," Maura replied. "Don't you think I deserve the same?"

"Maura," Jane repeated, helplessness filling her and threatening to spill out in the form of tears.

"I'm sorry you don't trust me," Maura stammered, hurt splashed across her face. "If there's something I did to make you think I can't be…" Her voice trailed off and she stared at the ground. "Maybe someday you'll trust me enough to be honest about yourself, not just about the parts that everyone can see."

Jane knew Maura was hinting about Jane's sexuality, by all accounts was totally fine with it, but still she couldn't bring herself to speak. Everything she'd ever wanted was right next to her, seemingly up for grabs, and she found her tongue too heavy to function.

"I want to be your friend," Maura's voice was cool and soft, and it made Jane shiver. "I want to be your best friend, forever. I want you to know all of me, to share all of me. I've never felt this way before- not even close. I know it's difficult for you to trust people, and I love and respect the person you are, but I always thought… I thought I was different. I thought _we_ were different."

"Maura," Jane tried to make her throat work.

Maura's eyes fell on her expectantly, softly appraising.

"Yes Jane," she sighed, unmistakable hope lacing her words. There were times when the unabashed openness in Maura's expression made it difficult for Jane to breathe. How a person so jilted by the world could constantly expose herself, show such delicate vulnerability, floored Jane.

"I'm sorry," Jane scrubbed her hands over her face. "_God_, I'm sorry. I was so busy with my head up my ass trying not to… I didn't even… It never occurred to me… and now Grace and you…"

"Jane," Maura's soft voice and softer touch halted Jane's rambling. "You're not making any sense."

"I'm incredibly attracted to you, Maura," Jane rumbled, allowing the heat in her eyes to rake over Maura's body. Incredibly, Maura flushed under her heated scrutiny, and Jane tracked the blush from her face to her cleavage, her gaze stalling. Closing her eyes, Jane took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Am I supposed to be surprised by that?" Maura asked, genuine curiosity in her tone. "I have suspected you were physically attracted to me for over a week." She sounded so proud of herself that Jane laughed.

"A week?" Jane scoffed.

"_Over _a week," Maura corrected her, somewhat indignantly.

"I've been looking at you like that _forever_," Jane growled, her gaze sweeping over Maura once more. Jane figured she should get her fill now, because this could only end badly.

Maura flushed again, this time in embarrassment, and Jane grinned.

"Oh," Maura sighed shakily.

"Yeah, Einstein," Jane teased. "_Oh_." Everyone else in the squad, and then some, had noticed it too, but Jane omitted that detail.

"Then why have you been such a…" Maura struggled to find the right word.

"An ass?" Jane supplied, somewhat chagrined. Maura grimaced at the choice of words but nodded. "Are you serious?"

Maura nodded again.

"Look at you," Jane intoned incredulously.

Maura looked down at herself, puzzled.

"I'm not sure what I'm looking at," she admitted.

Jane grinned, she couldn't help it.

"You're so fucking sexy," Jane practically snarled. "I can barely think when you're around."

Visibly off balance, Maura swallowed- hard.

Her voice was breathy and soft when she spoke and it hit Jane like a right-hook.

"But you've never said anything," Maura responded.

"What was I supposed to say, Maura?" Jane snapped. "Sorry I've been so cranky but you make me so fucking turned on I can barely stand to be in the same room as you? Or what? It's been great being your friend but hey, surprise! I'm a lesbian and I wanna fuck you until you can't walk so it's probably best if we're not best friends anymore? Come on."

Maura was silent for a long minute and Jane looked over at her. Maura's eyes were dark, tumultuous. Her breathing was heavy and erratic but she was otherwise absolutely immobile.

"Jeeze," Jane sighed. "I'm sorry, ok. This is gonna make shit so weird between us and that's exactly what I was trying to avoid. I want to be a good friend to you."

"So you were what," Maura looked perplexed, but hurt too. "Never going to say anything?"

"I guess," Jane shrugged, increasingly wary.

"And you were just going to be rude to me until I pushed you away, right?" Maura challenged. "And then it wouldn't really be your fault- you could feel noble and righteous for having tried to be my friend and because I got mad and left it would be my fault?"

When Maura explained it, it didn't sound like such a great plan.

"Something like that," Jane admitted, instantly regretting it.

"Fuck you," Maura bit.

Jane's head sprang up, the vulgarity making fear blossom in the pit of her stomach.

"Of all the fainthearted, gutless-" Maura began, her hands gesturing wildly.

"Maura," Jane tried to interrupt.

"Spineless," Maura was sputtering with anger. "Fainthearted, wretched-"

"Maura," Jane repeated, louder.

"Cowardly, weak-"

Jane put her hand over Maura's mouth, legitimately afraid the other woman might bite her but not knowing how else to stem the tide of synonyms.

Maura's eyes got wider than saucers and Jane withdrew her hand.

"Can I say something?" Jane asked.

"Fine," Maura snapped. "Say whatever you want."

"I love you," Jane replied. "And I've never loved anyone this much, or in quite this way. I wanted to do what seemed best for you. I knew you wanted a friend, _needed_ a friend, and I _needed_ to be there for you. I wanted to be your friend forever. So if that meant pushing my own, selfish feelings aside then so be it. I wasn't trying to be cowardly."

_Cowardly._

It honestly hadn't been her intention to act out of fear, she was being truthful, but now it stuck in her mouth like sand.

"It didn't occur to you that you should ask me before making decisions that would affect our whole friendship, our whole lives?" Maura wondered aloud, and Jane knew she couldn't give an answer that would satisfy her.

"I said I'm sorry," Jane responded. "It wasn't… My intention was never to hurt you, Maura. I'd never do something to hurt you on purpose. In my defense, I've known you for a long time and you're just now telling me about your own sexuality, so it's not like I'm the only one who couldn't make the leap."

Maura looked chagrined and while Jane wanted to enjoy it, a larger part of her just wanted to console the other woman. She really loved the hell out of her.

"I don't want to go out with Grace," Maura mumbled.

Jane felt relief wash over her but she shoved it down.

"Might not be such a bad idea," she encouraged. "Grace is attractive."

Maura's eyes met hers and Jane wanted to die- if she stared for too long she might get her wish. A woman could drown in the sorrow pouring out of Maura's gaze.

"Jane," Maura whispered. It was a confession, a plea.

"I don't know how to do this," Jane admitted. "I still want to be your friend."

It wasn't a lie, exactly. It was a half-truth. A lie by omission.

She _did_ want to be Maura's friend. She wanted to be her friend, her coworker, her partner, lover, companion, her _everything_.

But there were so many unknowns, so many variables.

Man or woman, Jane had never dated someone she was in love with. The only thing she was sure of in that moment, aside from her love for Maura, was that losing the strange, gorgeous woman would kill her.

Fists had barely grazed her, knives had hardly threatened her, bullets had merely sidetracked her, but losing Maura would kill her.

Physical self-preservation had never been her forte. Emotional self-preservation was her specialty.

"Don't," Maura pleaded. Maura knew her, and Jane felt transparent but couldn't seem to stop herself. "Just talk to me. Be honest with me."

Maura reached for her hand and Jane allowed the contact. Maura turned Jane's palm upwards in her hand and traced the lifeline with her index finger.

"I love your hands," Maura's voice was gravelly, heavy, smooth. "They're lean and firm and scarred. They are like a microcosm of everything I love about you- capable of so much power, but also of so much tenderness. And even when the unspeakable happens, you heal, you come back stronger."

Jan's eyes fluttered closed and she fought her instinct to pull away. Maura was reaching inside Jane, throwing light in the shadows, and the sudden, bright exposure hurt.

"I know you want to protect me," Maura continued, intently smoothing her index finger over each line on Jane's palm. "I love how noble, how strong you are. I know you would never hurt me, would never let anything bad happen to me. I love that you make me feel safe, Jane. No one has ever done that for me before. I feel safe just by being near you. The world has never felt so… right, as it does when I'm with you. Science and math, those things have always made sense to me. But when I'm with you, everything else seems to make sense too."

"Maura," Jane's stilted voice broke free. She wanted to tell her to stop. She wanted to tell her to speak forever. Jane kept her eyes closed, letting the world around her fade completely.

"I want to be near you forever," Maura said. "If the best you are willing to give me is friendship, then I will learn to live with that. It won't be easy, and I guarantee I will resent it for a while. But eventually I'll get over it because I want to be with you. I'm _going_ to be with you forever. I will always be your friend."

"But we're not friends right now," Jane interrupted, her voice pained, her eyes still closed. "We haven't been friends for weeks now."

"Haven't we?" Maura prodded.

"No," Jane sighed. "I've been a total ass to you for weeks."

"That's not true," Maura soothed. "We've just been having a rough patch. And I think since we're aware of the cause now, there is no need for a repeat."

"How can we," Jane stuttered, the words dying in her throat.

Maura seemed to read her mind, and Jane wondered again about the depth of her love for this woman.

"It will be different if we go down this path," she admitted. "I'm not going to lie to you Jane. But I think, no, I _know_ it will be worth it. If we have some awkward moments and a few fights and sometimes I want to just scream at you, then so be it. Because the reward for that? I get to kiss you whenever I feel like it. And I get to touch you whenever I want to. And I get to sleep next to you and love you openly and… what could possibly be better than that?"

Jane wanted to believe Maura, wanted to believe her so badly it was a physical pain in her chest.

Her breathing was erratic, and she felt like she couldn't get enough air. She pulled her hand away and rubbed her face in frustration.

Maura's face instantly shuttered, and Jane tensed. Maura stood up and Jane avoided meeting her gaze.

Eventually, Maura sighed. She gently stroked Jane's cheek. Jane wanted to reach out, to tell her to stay, to pull her down and kiss her like Maura had the breath of life and Jane was dying.

She didn't know how.

Her body refused to obey. Her mind refused to process fast enough.

"I'm not going to force anything on you Jane," Maura assured her. "I love you, but I also value myself too much to wait forever. Please don't make me wait forever."

And then Maura was disappearing back towards the precinct and Jane felt like the entire world was going with her, leaving Jane in a dark, black place where only minutes ago she had been basking in the sun.

Maura was right, as she usually was, and Jane wanted to run after her. But she also needed a minute to process. To think. To sort through things without the distraction of every single one of her fantasies sitting right beside her.

So Jane got up and walked in the other direction, her feet leaden. She wandered around, not really seeing, until she found herself back in front of the precinct. She wondered if Maura had gone home, if Jane should chase after her, call her.

Jane had never felt indecisive about Maura before, and she disdained it now. She wanted to see Maura, to reassure the other woman, and in all honesty to reassure herself, so she headed downstairs to the morgue.

Pausing, she sighed and looked at Maura through the morgue's windows. Maura's words echoed loudly in her head and she tried to quash the desire and anguish broiling in the pit of her stomach.

Maura was reading an open file, her back turned to Jane. Maura looked gorgeous, the muscles of her body flexing as she perched on the stool and worked diligently to uncover the mysteries behind their latest victim.

Jane wished she could compartmentalize as well Maura. Maura put their argument aside and got back to work. Jane had been fidgeting and stomping and wandering for an hour.

It seemed impossible to remember a time when she wasn't attracted to Maura. At first it was physical, and then it was intellectual, and then it was emotional, and then it was _everything_. Most of the time, Jane wore it like a second skin and since it didn't seem to affect her day to day, didn't seem to bother Maura, she let it get comfortable.

So when they pretended to be lovers and Jane let her hands linger, or when they knelt at a crime scene and Jane huddled too close, or when they looked over a dead body and Jane smiled too long, it was no big deal. Maura never indicated that it made her uncomfortable, or hinted that she didn't like it, or asked Jane to stop.

Jane didn't question that because, well, frankly, she didn't want to stop. Being in love with Maura and keeping it a secret was virtually impossible, although not being in love with her seemed equally improbable. Jane always figured that getting to be Maura's best friend was as good as it was going to get. And she was fine with it. She'd give her own heart, hell her own life, to protect and cherish and love Maura.

If Maura suspected the true depths of Jane's feelings, she had never let on.

Now, as Jane looked absently over at Maura, her chest ached. She'd been running through this scenario for days, weeks, months- she knew what she had to do. But now that the time had come, she found her courage faltering.

How was she supposed to pretend that she never wanted to see her again?


	2. Distance

Jane didn't know how to confront Maura, how to lay herself on the line emotionally in a way she had done so frequently in a physical way. So she turned on her heel, took the stairs a few at a time.

The risks were too great, and she wasn't ready to play Russian roulette with Maura's feelings.

That night, two men pulled Jane into an alley. They struck her immediately as government workers, likely former military, but didn't identify themselves. They wanted her help. Needed her help.

That night, Jane didn't sleep at all.

What they were asking for… it was too much.

Jane was asked to sacrifice her health and welfare on a regular, nearly a daily, basis. Her service to BPD required nothing less, and she'd always stepped up to the challenge. On multiple occasions, Jane had put her very life on the line.

But this… this wasn't just her physical life she was jeopardizing.

This was her _life._ Maura, and her family and her friends and her job and… Maura.

On some level, Jane knew her family and the guys at the precinct would eventually overcome the betrayal if she accepted. It might take weeks, months, hell even years, but she'd do whatever it took to earn back their trust.

Maura, on the other hand… Jane wondered if Maura would ever trust her again.

She and Maura were balancing on the cusp of something more powerful than both of them.

The timing couldn't have been worse.

Now Maura would always think that Jane was running away from her, from them.

Jane's love for Maura was only overshadowed by her devotion to justice, to service, to helping people who had no one else to turn to. It was her desire to help those people, Maura's voice in her head urging her to aid them, that finally made her agree.

There was no sympathy in their eyes, no comfort in the nameless voice on the other end of the phone they gave her. But the reward was too great to resist.

Now, Jane had to push Maura away, or back down from the responsibility she had assumed by accepting their request.

Gazing at Maura through the doors of the morgue, Jane felt more afraid than she ever had in her life. There was a high probability that Maura would hate her for this, forever.

Forever.

Jane wanted to think Maura would understand. That this compassionate, considerate, open-minded woman would, when Jane could finally explain, find it in her heart to forgive Jane.

But the niggling fear that she might not was enough to make Jane's pulse race, her throat clog.

She'd said yes though, accepted the assignment, so Jane quelled the nausea culling in her gut and entered the morgue.

"Hey Maura," she tried to keep her voice light, even. "I've got a date on Saturday. Can we reschedule movie night?"

The hurt that flashed across Maura's face was like a slap to the face. She didn't rush to mask it, and Jane languished in the shadow of the sorrow skittering across Maura's brow.

"A date?" Maura asked. "With whom?"

"Stephanie," Jane thought she honestly might vomit on Maura's sterile floor. "From Vice. You've met her- blonde, shorter, fair skin, green eyes. Smart as hell and funny to boot."

Jane felt her mind and body detaching out of self-preservation.

"I'm happy to reschedule," Maura's voice was bewildered, soft. "It's just that I thought you and I were… moving in a new direction with our relationship."

Maura's blunt, earnest way with Jane had never hurt so badly.

"Oh," Jane shrugged. "I didn't realize. Were we?"

Maura licked her lips and it took all of Jane's willpower not to let her eyes drop to stare at the unintentionally sensual move. She could see the way Maura's brain was moving a million miles a minute.

"When you figure it out," Jane teased, her gut knotted. "Let me know."

When Maura's lip quivered, Jane almost called the whole thing off. She wanted to reach out, to soothe Maura, to tell her that everything would be alright. She wanted to tell her that she was hopelessly, desperately, madly in love with her, and that she wasn't blind to the way things were shifting between them.

Instead, she sat silently, idly scanning the morgue.

Maura reached out towards Jane but stopped herself, her hand hanging awkwardly between them for a second.

"Why are you doing this?" Maura breathed. "Talk to me. I… I'm your best friend. Please don't push me away."

Jane's hands shook, so she clenched her hands into fists in the hope that Maura wouldn't notice.

"Maura," she sighed sarcastically. "I'm not doing anything. Don't you think you're being a little overly dramatic? I'm rescheduling one movie night so I can go on a date- you're the one who is always saying sex is so great for the body. Well maybe I'm finally taking your advice."

Maura's brow furrowed, the lines begging Jane to soothe them away with soft fingers. Instead, Jane stood.

"It's getting late," she faked a yawn. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yes," Maura mumbled absently, watching Jane like she was in a trance. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Jane fled before her courage could fail her completely. Outside, she dialed the now-familiar number.

"I started," she growled.

"Good," the man on the other side responded. "Start with the others tomorrow. And speed it up. Time is… well, I don't have to tell you. Call me tomorrow night."

Jane hung up without replying. She needed to walk, to clear her head, to get her heart to stop beating at such a dangerously high rate.

The look on Maura's face haunted her.

Jane took two steps back towards the precinct to go back inside to comfort Maura before she even realized she was moving. She froze, then spun abruptly and walked away as quickly as possible.

The next weeks passed in a blur. Jane was doing her best to alienate everyone in her life. Part of knowing people so well was knowing what ticked them off, drove them away, hurt them.

The first month was the hardest.

It tore Jane apart to wield her relationships like a weapon. She kept reminding herself that it would all be worth it in the end. That if they were the people she thought, they would understand and forgive her someday.

But it hurt like a bitch.

The stunned look in Korsak's eyes, Frost's perpetually furrowed brow, Frankie's sour gaze, the disapproval written in every line of Angela's face.

And Maura. Dear god, Jane had never felt so low in her entire life.

The distance between them was progressively growing, despite Maura's best efforts to stop it from happening.

It killed Jane to feel Maura slipping away, being _pushed away_, but there was no other choice.

She didn't even have to be mean to Maura to have the same effect. The rest of the people in Jane's life were used to her occasional callousness, so she had to put concentrated effort into actually offending them.

But she'd always treated Maura differently, always been softer and kinder to her. So just being a little distant, a little rude, a bit too sharp, was enough to make Maura react like a wounded child.

Maura did her best to hide it, Jane could see the effort, but it was still so painfully obvious to Jane.

Every time she dialed the number of her contact, she almost quit. But then she got her assignments and she was reminded of what the sacrifice was for. She reminded herself that if she quit, it would all have been for nothing.

So she persevered.

After two months, she felt nearly dead.

She didn't sleep, barely ate, ran on caffeine and adrenaline alone. She knew she'd lost weight, despite a serious gain in muscle mass, that the circles under her eyes made her look like a corpse.

Her mother barely spoke to her, and the rest of her friends and family members openly avoided her.

Maura had kept trying though, her soft, gentle attempts to reach Jane driving Jane to drink in order to quiet her mind. The few hours Jane managed to sleep, it was always because she'd fallen prey to a bottle of Jack.

Jane knew the end was nearing, but she no longer felt confident that she was going to succeed. And if they failed, if she failed, everything would be a waste. She would have destroyed her life for nothing.

No, not for nothing.

Trying and failing was better than sitting by and doing nothing.

But failure was not an option. So she worked harder, pushed harder in the gym, did everything she was told to a T.

After four months, four hellish, grueling months, she looked like a Greek statue, but her eyes were hollow, dark. Her lips were carved in a permanent frown.

Everyone in her life gave her a wide berth, her sullen attitude driving away all of her friends, acquaintances, and driving a wedge between her and her family members.

Maura had pulled her, _Queen of the Dead_ persona around her like a cloak, her clinical detachment around Jane stunning to watch. But sometimes Jane still saw things in her eyes, a viscerally painful look of hurt and despair and anguish and longing.

Jane hadn't realized the toll it would take trying to keep Maura at a distance. Instinctively, she wanted to share things with Maura, laugh with her, touch her. Jane would find herself, even six months since accepting her assignment, dialing Maura's number just to hear her voice.

Six months of agony had transformed Jane. Maura had told her once that living with physical pain for prolonged periods of time could permanently alter the way the brain functioned. Jane wondered if living with prolonged emotional pain could have the same effect.

Cut off from her friends and family, working on nights and weekends to fulfill her missions, Jane was practically a robot. She functioned on adrenaline and caffeine alone, often going days in a row without sleeping.

Her mother had stopped calling.

For Jane, that spoke volumes. Her mother had… given up on her.

She wondered what the people in her life thought had happened. She wondered if they thought she'd succumbed to drugs or alcohol, what reason they used for her sudden departure in character.

In the beginning they had pushed- hard. They had tried to get through to her, to connect to her. It had been painful, to see the people she loved fighting so hard for her all the while knowing she had to push them away.

But now, they were like strangers.

Frost didn't laugh when she was around. Korsak kept his comments to himself. Frankie avoided her. Angela was silent.

And Maura.

Maura was so removed Jane could have sworn they were never friends at all. She was professional and polite, and the cold reserved treatment made Jane nauseous. She dreaded seeing Maura, talking to her.

Being near to Maura… the temptation was almost too great to bear.

The time had almost come, the end was near, and Jane wasn't surprised she didn't have the energy to feel relieved, happy. Besides, the worst was yet to come- lots of things could still go wrong.

When Jane got home from work, the silence threatened to swallow her.

She dialed the familiar number, and it rang longer than normal. Tension coiled through her.

"Hello," the man greeted her. His voice sounded as weary as she felt. "Ready for one last go?"

"No," Jane said. "Let's get this over with."

"You've done a good thing," he replied firmly. "When your friends and family find out, they'll understand."

"Easy for you to say," Jane bit.

"You could have said no," he suggested, curiosity in his voice.

"Just like you did?" Jane retorted.

"Touché," the man's smile transmitted over the line. "I won't try to placate you with notions of heroism- you already had that status. But I am curious why you accepted."

Jane sighed. She'd been asking herself every day since they had approached her.

"I don't know," she lied.

"I don't believe you," the man responded. "But that's alright. We all have our reasons. You strike me as the type who's in it for some misguided sense of honor, or duty."

"Misguided?" Jane growled.

"Sorry," he laughed. "I just have up on duty and honor a long time ago. Other things work a lot better for motivating people and they aren't forgotten so easily when the going gets tough."

Jane grunted in response.

"Docks off of E 1st and Shore," he told her. "Now for the only somewhat rewarding part of this whole miserable fucking thing. You ever done a liberation?"

Jane shook her head, realized he couldn't see her, and managed to find her voice.

"No," she admitted.

"Fucking terrible," he rumbled. "A lotta shit can go wrong. Wouldn't think twice about wearing my vest, and saying a prayer. And if any of those friends and family might wanna see you before you meet your maker, it's worth a trip. I'm sure you'll be alright though. We try not to send Probies into a shitstorm their first time out. Who's with you tonight?"

"Dunno," Jane sighed. "Rendevous point?"

"Castle Island," came the reply. "2300. Be safe."

"Got it," Jane said, disconnecting the call.

Her whole life, she'd trusted her gut. She'd let her body tell her when things were off, when things her senses couldn't perceive were not quite right. That gut instinct had never failed her, and it was going haywire right now.

Something was not right.

It was already nine. Only a few hours until she had to be at Castle Island.

Jane prepared the way she had each time prior, the way she had the twenty-five nights she'd gone out into Boston late at night for reasons she wasn't entirely sure of but felt in her gut were necessary.

Duty. Honor.

She wore old, dark jeans. A black t-shirt with a black sweatshirt on top. Her hair in a messy bun. Dark tennis shoes. Her personal weapon holstered at her hip, a knife at her ankle.

Her shield lay lonely on the bedside table. She put a hundred dollars in her shoe, but brought no ID.

And tonight she slid her vest on under the sweatshirt, despite the bulk and weight it added.

The entire time, she ran through breathing exercises, psyched herself up the same way she would for a police raid. Only this time, she didn't know or trust the people she was going in with. This time, there was no backup.

It was nine thirty when she slid behind the wheel of her car. She could have driven out to Castle Island, stopped for a cup of coffee, but something nagged at her.

She had to see Maura.

On the drive over, Jane knew she was making a mistake. She knew that seeing Maura right now could put them both in danger, but she also couldn't seem to stop herself.

She had to see her.

If she died tonight… if the last words she ever said to Maura were meant to hurt…

If Maura thought Jane was running…

Maura's house was dark with the exception of a single light behind the shades of her bedroom window. Jane drove past and parked a few blocks away, then jogged through a few back alleys and hopped a couple low fences to make sure no one was following her.

Rather than knock on the front door, she pulled herself over Maura's fence into the backyard and rapped lightly on the sliding glass door.

There was no response, and she moved on the balls of her feet. She tested the door, both relieved and upset when she found it was unlocked. She slid it open, hating the way she was intruding when their relationship was already so precarious.

The familiar smell and feel of Maura's home assaulted her, evoking emotions so strong she had to close her eyes for a second to get her bearings.

She hadn't realized how much she missed the sensations associated with Maura's home.

She crept towards the light in Maura's bedroom, her footsteps almost inaudible. Maura wasn't immediately visible through the doorframe but Jane saw her reflected in the mirror, hanging something in the closet.

The lilac silk pajamas she wore were barely decent. An ample amount of her cleavage threatened to spill over the top, and the tiny shorts barely contained her ass. Her hair was damp, drying in messy waves around her face. Jane imagined her skin was warm and fragrant from the shower, and she wanted to bury her face in it.

Jane's gut clenched, desire swirling through her like a tornado. She grit her teeth harshly, intent on coming here as Maura's friend- and even that seemed like a status she no longer deserved.

When Maura sat on the side of the bed, the lamp on the side table providing the only illumination, Jane stepped out of the shadows.

Maura sat bolt upright, reaching for the drawer on her side table in alarm before her eyes softened. The surprise on her face faded into suspicion, and she didn't remove her hand from the drawer.

"Jane?" she asked, and it hung there between them. Jane fought to keep from closing her eyes, from sinking down on the floor and grabbing hold of Maura's legs.

"Maura," Jane rasped, barely recognizable as her own voice. "I had to see you."

Maura stood abruptly, rushing over to stand in front of Jane. She reached out, but Jane stepped back. She wasn't strong enough to have Maura touch her.

It was almost over. She was too close to give in now.

"Is everything alright?" Maura asked, concern evident in every feature about her. "Is Angela alright? Is Frankie? Did something happen?"

Jane shook her head.

"They're ok," she rumbled. "I just… I needed to see you."

Jane's gaze dragged from Maura's toes to her eyes, stalling for a moment at her hips, her breasts. Jane could see the flush rise on Maura's skin, could see as well as hear the change in Maura's breathing.

"You're scaring me Jane," Maura whispered, averting her gaze.

Tilting Maura's head up with a gentle touch on her chin, Jane met her eyes again.

"I just needed you to know," Jane exhaled harshly. "In case it doesn't… if something happens. You deserve to know. I'm so, so sorry. I did it to protect you though, I hope you see that someday."

"Jane," Maura's voice was sharper now. "What are you talking about?"

"I have to go," Jane stepped back, her hand falling reluctantly away from Maura's soft skin.

"Jane," Maura begged. "Please."

Jane stepped close, couldn't have stopped herself no matter how hard she tried. Their bodies were almost touching, their harsh breathing putting their breasts perilously close with each inhale.

Jane cupped Maura's cheeks reverently.

Maura looked so soft and delicate Jane thought she might break her if she held too tightly. The confusion and sorrow swimming in Maura's eyes did not drown out the unadulterated lust darkening her gaze.

"I love you," Jane swore darkly. "Do you know that? More than life itself."

Before Maura could respond, Jane pressed her lips to Maura's. She'd intended a gentle parting kiss, but her body had other ideas. Maura's smooth, soft lips parted under hers and Jane thrust her tongue inside, desperate to taste Maura, to claim her. Maura's hands fisted in the hem of Jane's sweatshirt and her breathless moan almost snapped Jane in half.

Jane kissed Maura until neither of them could breathe, and without warning Jane shoved back from Maura's warm, welcoming body and fled the room, bolting through the house and out the front door.

She barely had enough awareness to take a detour to her car. When she turned the ignition over, she glanced at the clock and swore. It was nearly ten thirty. She drove to Castle Island at breakneck speed, darting through side-roads and off ramps.


	3. Danger

When Jane was sure no one was following her, she made her way down the road to the old fortress, parking on a maintenance road and jogging to the meet-up point. Hiding behind a low hedge, her back against the cool stone of the fortress, she waited.

At 11:00, she noticed movement and saw one of her contacts. She approached them warily, moving through the shadows.

Finally, she moved into the relative light of the spot where they were crouched.

"Number 1743," Jane introduced herself. She recognized three of the men, but the blonde woman and fourth man were strangers.

They introduced themselves, all by number, and discussed the plan. Jane focused, knowing the number of lives on the line, but it was difficult with the hint of Maura's toothpaste and chapstick lingering on her lips.

It seemed simple, their task, but they were all acutely aware that it was anything but. Jane noticed the blonde woman was spinning a wedding ring. Noticed that the tallest man, a thirty-something brunette, was repeatedly clicking his jaw.

Jane and the jaw-clicker, Number 7526, would go first. They'd make contact with their usual liaisons. Everyone else would follow in exactly eighteen minutes.

If they hadn't figured things out yet, everything would get ugly fast. And their work would be blown to shit.

Earbuds were distributed, weapons checked, vests tightened, shoes tied, prayers said.

Jane, never one for religious sentimentality, crossed herself, mumbled the Lord's prayer, her lips stumbling at _deliver us from evil_.

Number 7526 preceded her, the rest of the team falling seamlessly into the shadows. Jane moved swiftly and silently beside him, every sense on high alert.

It took them four minutes to find their contact, a heavyset Italian man who smoked like a chimney and seemed to have forgotten to bathe for the last ten years.

"Gino," Jane greeted him.

"Janie," Gino nodded, and Jane masked her instinct to flinch at the sound of her nickname rolling off his scotch-soaked tongue. "You got the downpayment?"

Number 7526 held up a black duffle.

An imposing, dark man stepped out of the shadows and took the bag, rifled through it idly. He nodded once, curtly, at his boss.

"No funny business?" Gino chortled, smoke swirling around them. "Cause he's gonna go right inside and check that account, you know."

"Too busy for that bullshit," Jane snapped. "You get your money, I get the goods. No need for dickin' around. Everything will be in that account as soon as we get to inspect the goods."

"That's why I like you," Gino laughed. "Straight to the chase. Alright, bins 1290 through 1300 are yours. Go take a look."

Two more men appeared from the warehouse, machine guns slung across their backs. Jane and 7526 fell into step behind them and a third man followed them. The back of Jane's neck tingled.

They walked through a dizzying maze of shipping containers that Jane knew was intended to confuse her and her partner. And it worked, by the time they reached their destination, she had almost completely lost her bearings.

The moon, hidden behind ominous clouds, provided her only hint for which direction was out to safety, or out to sea.

One of the men stepped forward and unlocked a padlock, swinging open the container door.

Jane schooled her features into a neutral expression, glad the darkness hid the way her palm curled so tightly into a fist that her fingernails drew blood.

Thirty children were sprawled about in the foul, dank container, and they shrank back.

"Looks alright," she nodded curtly. "Let me see another."

Eleven minutes.

They showed her another nearly identical container full of children. She gave a quick assent, trying to keep the cold harshness in her eyes. She glanced at the containers, hoping for something to distinguish them but they were entirely nondescript.

The small tin of marking paint was burning a hole in Jane's pocket. As one man locked the container, she smeared the paint on her hand as discreetly as possible. She took a step away from the container and 7526 awkwardly stepped in front of her. She tripped, bracing herself against the container.

"Watch it," she growled.

"Hey," one of the guards snapped. "Keep moving."

They walked back to the warehouse and Gino met them out front, a leering smile on his face.

"So?" he asked gleefully. "One of our best shipments yet."

"It'll do," Jane equivocated.

"Hah," Gino shook his head. "It'll do. You're pretty damn hard to please."

"I don't like games Gino," she snapped. "Give me the keys to those containers and we'll be on our way. My boys will come by later to collect the shipment."

Gino rolled his eyes.

"Relax," he encouraged. "Have a drink." The offer was seemingly friendly but the looming henchmen at their backs left them little choice.

"Make it quick," Jane retorted.

Fifteen minutes.

Gino led them into the warehouse, through into a small office. He poured three glasses of scotch and sat behind an oak desk, indicating the two chairs on the opposite side.

"I think we have a business opportunity here," he said. "For some long-term exchanges. I can get you what you need wholesale, if you agree to exclusively buy from me."

"This isn't my normal market," Jane shrugged. "I usually deal in more… dry goods."

Gino chortled and took a sip of his scotch.

"I can help with that too," he replied. "Don't he ever talk?" He indicated 7526 with a tilt of his head.

"No," Jane bit out. "Can't. Makes him mighty invaluable."

Nodding, Gino hit her with a hard stare.

"So what do you say?" he pressed.

"I'll think about it," Jane stood. "I know how to get ahold of you."

Standing, Gino handed her a key-ring.

Seventeen minutes.

"I think you'll be back," his voice was low. "That boy might not talk but he's got a wife who would look awful sad at the bottom of the Charles."

7526's jaw clenched.

"And I'm sure you've got skeletons in your closet," Gino added. "Rogue cop, you must have people who still think you'll see the light."

"I got no one," Jane growled. "And I don't need 'em. I put my ass on the line for BPD for years, took bullets, and what did I get out of it? A man who don't love me, a Capt. who thinks of me like another gun in his holster, and a city that doesn't care one shit about me. I'll take mine, thank you, and everyone else can go to hell."

The surprise was evident on Gino's face. Jane suspected he'd been checking up on her, and she hoped to god that her efforts to alienate everyone weren't transparent.

"Big words for a so-called hero," he challenged.

Jane indicated the jagged scars on her hands, palms thrust harshly towards Gino.

"This look heroic to you," she seethed. "The commissioner, my _brothers in blue_," she practically spit the phrase. "They don't give a fuck. I'm just some woman who fucking created a serial killer. And after my 15 minutes of fame were up, I realized who was behind me. No one. So you can take your exclusive deal and fuck yourself. I'll get what I need and if you can get it, so be it. Otherwise, I don't need nothing more from you."

The admiration was clear on Gino's face.

"What about this guy," Gino indicated 7526 with an absent waive. "You need him?"

"He's," Jane looked him up and down as if he were a piece of meat. "Convenient."

Scoffing, Gino rolled his eyes.

"I'll sure bet he is," he leered. "Alright. When you change your mind, give me a call."

Jane looked at the clock on the wall. Twenty minutes. Where was the rest of the team?

Pocketing the keys, Jane led the way back out into the cool night. A light rain had begun to fall, the moon almost completely obscured by the clouds.

Outside, Jane's gut clenched into knots.

The blonde woman and her partner were on their knees surrounded by Gino's men.

"Oh yeah," Gino strolled up beside her casually. "We found these two poking around. Yours?"

Jane weighed her options. They were supposed to disavow each other. They all knew the risks. Get caught, get left.

But Jane had seen bodies that left Gino's warehouse the hard way.

"Yeah," she said instead. "Can't get good help these days."

Gino's eyes narrowed. "I said only two of you," he grumbled. "I can't let this stand. I got lots of skittish clients, you know. If they thought extra folks were sniffing around, it'd be bad for business."

"Maybe you could cut me some slack," Jane shrugged. "Not everyone is as trustworthy as you. Can never be too careful, after all. Now that I know you're on the up and up… I'll give you my exclusive business in dry goods if you save me the trouble of having to find replacements for these two."

"Alright," Gino nodded, and his acquiescence made Jane nervous. "But someone's gotta take my message. I'm a reasonable guy, understanding guy, but I'm no pussy. So who's it gonna be?"

Jane swallowed harshly. She wanted to volunteer, but knew she couldn't. She was supposed to be the boss, the dominant one, so she had to select one of her people for the punishment.

They were strangers to her. She didn't even know their names. Did they have wives? Husbands? Children? Why were they here? Why had they made this choice?

The blonde woman, 3874, Jane remembered idly, shifted, finding Jane's gaze. There was a sorrowful resignation in her eyes. She was volunteering.

"Make it her," Jane indicated with a nod. "I need these two for heavy lifting."

One of Gino's men stepped forward and pulled out a pistol. Jane was stone faced. She knew that the gunfire would draw the others out from wherever they were, that they would come running and all hell would break lose.

She surveyed the area for cover, felt sweat trickle down her spine.

The man shot 3874 in the shoulder and the world titled on its axis. Jane heard another gun fire, realized that 7526 had shot the perpetrator and was moving towards the woman. Jane saw Gino duck into the warehouse and the rest of the team came forward from the shadows. Shots rang out in the small space, Jane's included. When the confusion and haze settled, the blonde woman and one other of Jane's team members were injured.

All of Gino's men were dead. 7526 ran after Gino, his gun drawn.

Jane followed 7526 into the warehouse, her body on high alert. She scanned for him, worrying that she couldn't hear sirens in the distance. A shot rang out and she rushed towards it, rounding a corner to see 7526 looming over Gino's bleeding body.

"Her name is Anna," he turned to Jane.

Jane didn't know what to say, didn't know what to do. She'd been warned that things could get bad, could get messy.

Normally, she'd fall back on her badge. She'd flash it, she'd show that she was Jane Rizzoli, BPD. The chaos would swarm around her but she'd be safe behind that shield.

This was different, and not knowing what to expect was eating at her.

"We'd better go," 7526 broke her thoughts, heading back for the entrance.

Outside, the team was huddled together around Anna. She was bleeding through the sweatshirt clotting the wound.

"We need to get her a doctor," the man holding the fabric said, his concern evident.

"You know protocol," another voice responded. "No hospitals until the morning. I know a field medic who can stich her up until then."

Jane hesitated, the haunting look in 7526's eyes flashing through her mind.

"I know a doctor," Jane said. "I'll take her."

The men turned to look at her.

"You guys finish up here," she nodded at the other wounded man. "He gonna be ok?"

"Fine," the man replied. "Just grazed me. Not my first time, but hopefully the last."

Finally, Jane heard sirens in the distance.

"You better go," someone suggested. "We'll clean up here."

Jane took the key-ring out of her pocket and tossed it to him.

"Couple blocks to my car," she told Anna. "Can you make it?"

"Not much choice," Anna gritted out. "Let's go."

Jane began moving, half dragging Anna with her, in the direction of her car. They kept to the shadows as much as possible. Anna held the sweatshirt loosely over the wound on her shoulder, and Jane could see she was fading fast.

It seemed to take forever to reach Jane's sedan. She loaded Anna in, replacing the blood-soaked sweatshirt with her own and tossing her vest into the backseat.

"Hang on," Jane turned the ignition and sped towards Maura's house.

She parked a block away and killed the engine. Anna's eyes were fluttering closed, her breathing shallow.

"Hey," Jane chastised, panicked. "Stay awake. You hear me? You wanna get home to your family then you stay awake."

"No family," she mumbled. "They killed him."

Jane's gut clenched. Part of the mystery of Anna's choices seemed clearer.

"Come on," Jane grumbled. "I didn't bring you this far to have you die on me now."

She helped Anna out of the car, carrying her to Maura's door. The rain was coming harder now, and Jane banged on Maura's door as hard as she could.

The wait was interminable, but finally Maura appeared, a soft robe covering her form.

"Jane," her eyes widened in alarm. Jane pushed past, dragging Anna into the house.

"I need you to help her," Jane put Anna on the floor in the kitchen, wary of someone looking in through the windows.

"What happened?" Maura asked, following Jane closely.

"She's been shot," Jane indicated the bloody sweatshirt.

"She needs to go to the hospital Jane," Maura resisted. "I can't help with this."

"Do it," Jane barked. "Please. We can't go to the hospital. I just need you to do this for me. I won't ask for anything else. Just help her Maura. She'll die if you don't."

Maura's eyes hardened as she bit her lower lip. She rattled off a list of things for Jane to gather and then disappeared in the room, returning in yoga pants and a t-shirt with a pair of gloves in hand.

"What's her name?" Maura asked, kneeling next to her. She removed Anna's shirt and inspected the injured shoulder.

"I can't tell you," Jane moved swiftly around the room, collecting the things Maura asked for. She put a pillow under Anna's legs as instructed, and placed Maura's tools within easy reach.

"I see," Maura set to work as best she could. Jane knew she was hurting Maura in so many ways but she didn't know what else to do.

When Angela appeared at the back door, knocking loudly, Jane found her gun in hand before she realized it. The shock on Angela's face only grew when she saw Anna and Maura.

Jane felt her entire body vibrating with fear and adrenaline.

"Ma," she barked. "Go back to the guesthouse. Now."

Angela looked poised to protest, but something in Jane's eyes made her think better of it.

"You're still my daughter," she whispered, "and I love you," and then she was gone.

Jane turned, pacing and watching Maura work. Maura was efficient, precise. She cleaned and bathed the wound, wrapped it in a sterile dressing. When she was finished Maura removed her gloves.

"She really needs a hospital," Maura chastised again.

"In the morning," Jane agreed. "But she's gonna be ok?"

"I believe so," Maura nodded. "The bullet went straight through. I've cleaned it and closed it up, but she needs to lie still for a while."

"I'll take her to my apartment," Jane replied.

"She can stay here," Maura sighed, resignation in every move she made. "Whatever you've gotten me into, I'm deep enough as it is. It's best not to move her much."

"Can I put her on the couch at least?" Jane asked, trying to focus on the issue at hand rather than the desperate sadness in Maura's eyes.

"Put her in the guest bedroom," Maura said. "I'll turn down the bed."

Jane offered her hand to help Maura stand but Maura didn't accept it. Instead, she pulled herself up, griping the counter with white knuckles. She disappeared down the hall and Jane collected Anna in her arms, carrying her down to the guest bedroom.

Maura had turned the bedside lamp on, turned down the blanket. Jane placed Anna gently on the bed and pulled the blanket up around her waist. She turned off the light and left the room, heading back into the kitchen.

Maura was there, cleaning up the remnants of Jane's choices. Jane moved to take over, and they worked silently for a minute.

When she finished, Jane turned to see Maura at the sink, her head down, her body shaking softly.

Hesitantly, Jane approached Maura from behind. When Maura didn't push her away, Jane put one arm on either side of Maura's body, caging her in against the counter.

"What have you done?" Maura sobbed.

"Maura," Jane rested her forehead against Maura's shoulder. "I promise I'm going to explain everything. I don't expect you to understand, or to forgive me. But I'm so, so grateful to you. You saved that girl's life."

"And what about my life," Maura breathed. "Our life? Does that not mean anything to you?"

"God Maura," Jane exhaled raggedly. "It means everything."

"Not enough, apparently," Maura turned and stepped out of Jane's grasp in a quick, fluid motion.

"In the morning," Jane offered lamely.

"It is morning," Maura retorted. Jane looked outside, surprised to see the first rays of sunlight peeking over the horizon.

"Please," Jane stepped towards Maura but the smaller woman stepped back, evading her touch. "Please, trust me."

"Like you trusted me these past months?" she snapped.

"I'm sorry," Jane sobbed. "Please. I'm exhausted and upset and I'm sure you are too and I don't want to say or do anything that's going to hurt you more than I already have. Please, Maura."

Maura looked at Jane, noticed the gash on her thigh.

"You're hurt," Maura's tone raised in alarm, her anger evaporating in the face of her concern.

Jane looked down, surprised to see her own blood darkening her jeans.

"It's just a scratch," she replied.

"Let me see," Maura ordered.

Jane didn't have the energy to resist. She slid her jeans off and dropped them, and Maura's eyes widened in alarm.

"Jesus, Jane," she swore. "That's extremely close to your femoral artery. A few inches to the side and you'd be dead."

Jane closed her eyes, tried to focus on the pain instead of the way Maura's fingers felt against her thigh.

"Go lie down," Maura commanded. "That needs to be treated."

The adrenaline ebbing from her system, Jane walked on shaking legs towards the couch. Maura's grasp on her shoulders stopped her, wordlessly guiding her to Maura's bed.

A small voice in the back of Jane's mind bemoaned the fact that she was ruining Maura's expensive sheets and she would have laughed if she had the energy.

"Lie down," Maura coaxed, disappearing back down the hall. She reappeared with her medical supplies, immediately tending to Jane's cut. "This might sting a bit," she warned. She cleaned and bandaged Jane's thigh with precise movements, and Jane watched with rapt attention. Eventually the stimulation was too much to handle and her eyes fluttered closed.

Jane felt heavy, like every molecule in her body suddenly weighed three times as much. When Maura finished, her hand lingered on Jane's thigh, idly stroking.

Jane's eyes snapped open, and she looked down to see Maura grazing her thigh, eyes fixed on the olive skin beneath her fingers.

Unsure what to do or say, Jane found herself emitting a choked sob when Maura lightly kissed the bandage she had just applied. The noise drew Maura's attention and the sorrow and sympathy on her face tore at Jane.

"Jane," she whispered, scooting up to sit next to Jane's hip.

"I'm sorry Maura," Jane sobbed. "I'm so sorry."

Jane reached one hand up and caressed Maura's neck, sliding her fingers into the dark blonde locks as she leaned closer.

Time moved agonizingly slowly as they held there, lips only millimeters apart. A whimper escaped Maura before the doctor closed the distance, pressing her lips fervently to Jane's. Jane groaned and they soaked each other in for long seconds, hearts beating frantically. Maura's hands found Jane's waist, pulling her closer.

Jane traced the seam of Maura's lips with her tongue, coaxing the other woman's mouth open. Maura obliged, and when Jane's tongue slipped inside, Maura made a breathless sighing noise that shot straight down Jane's spine and pooled in her gut. Jane's arm braced on the bed shook with the exertion of holding herself at bay.

They kissed for long moments, lips and tongues acquainting otherwise familiar entities. Jane relished the feel of Maura, warm and supple above her. She wanted to kiss her for days, years, forever.

Maura pulled at Jane's hips, trying to urge her closer. Jane pulled her lips away, panting, and rested her forehead on Maura's.

"You need to rest," Maura whispered, her eyes still closed. "And I should check on your friend."

Jane couldn't respond, everything was too close to the surface. It took her three tries to release Maura's neck.

"I'll be right back," Maura promised, kissing Jane on the forehead.

When Maura left the room, Jane let her tears fall freely. Maura was being kind and supportive and loving, but there was no mistaking the hurt and betrayal in her eyes.

There were soft noises as Maura moved around the house, and Jane listened intently. It was comforting, soothing, to know Maura was there, taking care of her.

Jane sensed Maura standing in the doorframe and she opened her eyes.

"You must be furious," Jane suggested.

"I'm not angry," Maura equivocated. "I'm… upset, confused, hurt, worried."

"I think I'd rather you were mad," Jane teased humorlessly. Maura's lips turned up ever so slightly but there was no laughter in her eyes.

"You should get some sleep," Maura encouraged.

"I don't think I can," Jane replied. She was too exhausted to sleep.

Maura softened, approaching the bed. She stood for a moment looking down at Jane, a curious mired, tangle of emotions on her face.

"Scoot forward," she ordered gently. Jane did, and Maura slid in to sit behind her, adjusting the pillows. "Lean against me," Maura said eventually.

Jane leaned back, Maura's chest flush with her back. Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's waist, her legs on the outside of Jane's. They were reclining lazily, and Jane couldn't help the drawn out shudder that escaped her when Maura kissed her shoulder.

"Are you coming back Jane?" Maura asked hesitantly.

"You'd want me back," Jane hedged. "After how I've treated you recently?"

"You obviously had a reason," Maura replied. "If it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me."

"I didn't want to treat you that way Maura," Jane explained, her voice sorrowful. "It was the only way to keep you safe."

"You could have told me," Maura suggested. "Maybe I could have-"

"No," Jane cut her off. "It was the only way. If I thought I could have told you, I swear to you that I would have."

"Ok," Maura soothed, a hand stroking Jane's stomach through her shirt. "Ok. I understand, it's ok."

Jane closed her eyes, knowing she was being hurtful, evasive.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"About six," Maura told her.

"I have to go soon," Jane admitted. At eight, they were to meet at headquarters and it would all be done, it would all be over.

In two hours, she could return to Maura's arms to seek absolution properly.

"Is it safe?" Maura asked, the concern in her voice nearly overwhelming. Her arms tightened around Jane's waist.

Jane leaned into the supple body behind her. Maura was soft but strong, her breasts pressing deliciously into Jane's back. Her arms were secure around Jane, but not oppressing. She smelled clean and simple and comforting.

"Doesn't matter," Jane replied. "It's almost over. Will you wait here for me?"

"Yes," Maura didn't hesitate for a second.

"I don't know how long it will be," Jane admitted. "Could be a few hours."

"I'll wait," Maura confirmed.

Jane stood, and when Maura's fingers slipped off her body she felt the last of her energy drain out of her frame.

"Can you help me get Anna into my car?" Jane asked. Maura nodded.

The two women worked to dress and clean Anna as best they could, and Jane dragged her out to the sedan. Maura helped as much as possible and when Jane opened the driver's door, she paused to look at Maura.

"I'll be back," she said clearly, the conviction in her voice making Maura shiver.

"I'll be here," Maura replied.

Jane sped off down the street, her only thoughts bent on closing the door on the last few months and finding a way to earn back Maura's trust.


	4. Repent

At the nondescript office building Jane had only visited once before, an armed guard verified their identities with a fingerprint scanner. Anna swayed violently on her feet but insisted on walking on her own.

Inside, the rest of the team was assembled and Jane took their cue, refusing the seat offered to her. Anna's weight was heavy against her.

A balding man in a navy suit entered the room, a manila folder in his hand.

"I'd like to thank you all for your service," he didn't bother greeting them. "You saved one hundred and twenty eight lives last night. Those children escaped from a life more horrendous than any of us could imagine- thanks to you. I'm sure most of you will ask not to be involved in any more missions, and I understand. You're free to return to your lives now, but know the door is always open. The FBI thanks you. Those of you who need medical attention, see McGee on the way out."

Without another word, he left the room.

Jane didn't feel the relief she expected. Instead, she felt like an overfilled water-balloon in a game of hot potato. One wrong move and she would burst apart into irreparable shreds.

"You get used to that," one of the men shrugged, pinning her with a knowing gaze. "See you around."

"Don't take this the wrong way fellas," Jane grumbled. "But I hope we never meet again."

They all laughed gruffly and Jane followed the first man out of the room. Anna braced herself against the wall and Jane met her gaze, holding it for a minute before leaving the room.

Outside, the sun seemed to be losing its fight against the clouds. A light mist blanketed Boston.

Jane realized her t-shirt was caked in Anna's dried blood, maybe some of her own blood as well. She hailed a cab, too exhausted to drive. Giving Maura's address, she fished a twenty-dollar bill out of her shoe and closed her eyes.

Outside Maura's house, Jane paused, swaying on her feet. She wanted desperately to be inside, to be in Maura's bed, to have Maura wrapped around her.

She wanted it all to be over.

She wanted peace.

When the front door opened and Maura appeared, Jane thought she must be dreaming. Maura, in black slacks and a Kelly green cashmere sweater, her hair neatly arranged, was staring at her expectantly, softly, compassion in every line of her face.

Without a word, Maura took Jane by the hand and led her inside, the soft click of Maura's heels at total odds with the squish of Jane's running shoes. Maura led Jane to her bedroom, and then on through to the bathroom.

Turning the water on in the shower, Maura removed Jane's shirt and untied her shoes, helping Jane step out of them. She waited while Jane slid out of her pants and then took the dirty clothes, leaving the door open a crack behind herself.

Jane cried in the shower, silent tears streaming down her face, and eventually she sat down on the floor to keep from falling. When the water went cold, she was too numb to do anything about it.

Maura reappeared and wordlessly turned off the water, wrapping Jane in a fluffy, warm towel. She seemed detached, almost clinical, and Jane wasn't sure what to do to break Maura's trance, or her own.

Guiding Jane into the bedroom, Maura helped her into a BPD t-shirt and a pair of yoga pants before coaxing her into bed. Pulling the covers over Jane, Maura turned but Jane mustered all her energy and grabbed Maura's wrist to stop her.

"I'll be right back," Maura assured her, voice soft and soothing.

Jane reluctantly let go and Maura disappeared from the room. When she reemerged, she had a glass of water and some pills in her hand.

"Take these," she commanded gently. "Your leg must be very painful."

Jane didn't bother telling Maura that her entire body was numbingly weary, the pain a constant throbbing from head to toe. She sat up and accepted the offering, swallowing the pills and half the glass of water in a single gulp.

Maura stood next to the bed, looking shy and forlorn and hurt and disappointed.

"I'm sorry," Jane croaked, lying back on the bed.

"Rest now," Maura encouraged. "You can tell me later."

"No," Jane knew Maura was right, knew she should gather her wits and then try to explain later, but she couldn't stand the look in Maura's eyes.

The love and light that normally ignited when Maura looked at Jane were dimmed to an almost imperceptible level. There was none of the trust and hope and understanding that Jane had become so accustomed to.

Not even a hint of the friendly affection she had come to rely on.

"Jane," Maura cautioned.

"Please," Jane sighed raggedly. "Just let me explain. I can't stand that look in your eyes. I don't want to go to sleep while you're looking at me like that because I won't want to wake up knowing that's what's waiting."

"Jane," Maura exhaled, and it was a warning and a plea.

"Just hear me out," Jane begged. "And if you still hate me then I'll understand. But you should know, Maura. It wasn't because I'm afraid of being with you, or afraid of loving you. I mean, those things scare the hell out of me but you're more than worth it."

Maura collapsed ungracefully on the bed by Jane's hip, visibly deflating. Her head was bowed, her eyes closed.

"About six months ago," Jane began. "The FBI approached me. They found out about this child-smuggling shipment that was coming in to Boston. Only they also had a leak, and their guys kept going missing. So they figured they could use some outside help, started asking around for BPD officers with dicey pasts. I came up. They figured they could make it look like I went rogue pretty easily, given all the things I've been through."

Maura's soft breathing lulled Jane into a trance, the words falling from her lips almost without her permission.

"Only thing was," Jane continued. "We knew they'd check up on my friends and family, on my relationships. To make it look like I'd gone over the deep end, to keep you safe, I had to push you all away. Otherwise, the bad guys woulda known and come after you, they would have tried to use you against me. And Maura, when they showed me pictures of some of the things that happened to their FBI agents, guys with kids, families. No one should have to go through that. They told me the containers were full of orphans, full of kids no one would miss. They were gonna be used all over the east coast for horrible things. When I thought of what might have happened, if you hadn't been adopted, and instead things were completely different- I thought I was gonna be sick. I knew I had to do it, Maur. I had to help them."

"Even if it destroyed you?" Maura's voice was soft, curious.

"One hundred and twenty eight kids," Jane met Maura's gaze. "I couldn't say no. Even if it meant throwing my whole life away. I… I know that makes it seem like I was choosing them over you, but I hoped you'd eventually understand. That even if I lost your trust, I could earn back enough of it to at least be your friend."

"You'll always be my friend," Maura replied. "So you were successful then?"

"Yeah," Jane swallowed. "They're safe now, Maura. They can lead some kind of normal lives here. And Anna, that woman you helped, I think she's gonna be fine."

"And what about you, Jane?" Maura asked. "Are you going to be fine?"

"That depends," Jane said honestly.

"On what?" came curious the reply.

"On whether or not I've lost you," she answered.

Maura's lip quivered and a few tears spilled over, and Jane wanted desperately to reach for Maura but wasn't sure her touch would be welcomed.

"No, Jane," her voice wavered. "You haven't lost me."

Tentatively, Jane reached over and skimmed Maura's arm. Maura turned into the touch, her hand reaching for Jane's. Their fingers laced together and Jane felt her own tears spill over.

"I'm so sorry, Maura," Jane apologized. "You can't even begin to imagine how sorry I am."

"I just don't know what to do," Maura sobbed. "Because I want my best friend to comfort me, to make me feel better, but I can't get over this fear that if I let my guard down you're going to break my heart again."

Jane's tears increased, her breathing erratic. She pulled on their joined hands until Maura burrowed her face in Jane's neck. Jane wrapped both arms tightly around the smaller woman, holding her as close as possible.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, Maura. God, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Maura whispered against Jane's neck. "Just make it better. Make it stop hurting so badly."

Jane felt like Maura was performing open-heart surgery on her right there on the bed.

"I don't know how," she admitted helplessly, stroking her hand through Maura's hair, the other clutching tightly to her back.

Maura nuzzled her nose against Jane's neck sensuously and awareness hit Jane like a ton of bricks. Her hands stilled against Maura's body.

"Please Jane," Maura begged. "I've missed you so much. I know we were never intimate but I've missed you as though we were. I missed your voice, your touch, your scent. I just want to stop hurting so badly."

Suddenly, the pain and the numbness were stripped away and Jane could feel nothing but raw desire for Maura coursing through her. She was bone weary, exhausted beyond all reason, but her body could process nothing except the soft, supple body draped over hers, pleading with her.

Begging.

"Maura," Jane rasped, her voice thick and dark. "I don't think this is a good idea."

Jane had been in enough PTSD-induced romantic entanglements to know that the regret that followed was crushing.

"I don't care," Maura nibbled gently on Jane's collarbone. "I want you."

Jane sighed when Maura kissed her tenderly. Her body alerted her to the desire racing through her and Maura stoked those banked fires by smoothing a hand up Jane's abdomen to her breast. Even through the fabric of Jane's shirt, Maura's touch was electric.

Under her desire though, Jane's body protested. Her leg hurt, her eyes felt gritty, never before had she felt so thoroughly depleted. She wanted the first time Maura touched her to be something she remembered, not something she had to cling to through the haze of exhaustion churning through her.

"It won't solve anything," Jane hedged, her voice cracking when Maura's tongue snaked out to trail across her skin.

"It will," Maura murmured against Jane's neck. "I won't ache so badly, and I'll have you back, finally. Please Jane."

Maura pulled back and met Jane's eyes. Maura's normally light eyes were a dark tempest, a swirling maelstrom of need and desire that made Jane's breath catch in her throat.

Jane wanted Maura with a force that the immortals couldn't have resisted, but something told her this was not the time. She wanted Maura to come to her out of affection, out of love and joy.

She didn't want to begin their relationship with desperation, anger, despair. She didn't want to brand their love with the sorrow swirling around them.

"Maura," Jane closed her eyes, digging deep for a strength she didn't know she possessed. "We should wait. This isn't the right time."

Maura looked poised to argue and Jane watched as she snuffed out the desire that had been clear in her eyes only moments before. Jane almost relented, her mouth opening to take it back, but she remembered all the ways she had already hurt Maura and she was determined to make it right.

"Jane," Maura exhaled harshly. Jane couldn't decipher the tone of her voice, and when Maura pulled back and slipped out of Jane's arms, fear tangled in Jane's gut. "You should get some sleep."

Clinical, detached Dr. Isles was back, and Maura slipped into the sterile persona as easily as a Chanel dress.

Jane wanted to ask her to stay but knew it would only lead to trouble.

"Yeah," she agreed instead. "Do you want me to sleep somewhere else?"

Maura's gaze softened, almost imperceptibly, but Jane caught it, caught the look of, _so you are still the Jane I fell in love with_. Six trillion more tiny actions and words and maybe Jane would be able to earn back Maura's friendship.

"No," Maura shook her head, pulling the blanket up over Jane. "Get some rest. I'll come check on you later."

Jane nodded, unable to speak around the lump in her throat.

Maura disappeared from the room, and Jane couldn't help note the slightest slump to her normally impeccable posture.

Jane was surprised how quickly she fell asleep.

As she drifted off, she wondered idly if she'd lost her only chance at happiness.


	5. Relieved

When Jane awoke she realized she'd slept through the night, alcohol free, for the first time in months.

Sitting up, she groaned.

Her entire body ached.

Dragging Anna around, getting her leg cut, the emotionally draining events of the months prior- it all combined to leave her dog-tired and feeling like she had a hangover.

Slowly, she threw her legs over the side of the bed. Padding into the bathroom, she looked at herself in the mirror.

She groaned at her appearance.

She might have appreciated her even more defined musculature if not for the motives behind it. And any improvement to her body was offset by the dark circles under her eyes, the pallor of her face, the wildness of her hair.

She looked like she'd walked off the set of a zombie movie.

Splashing her face with cool water, Jane took a deep breath and tried to center herself. She felt like she was marching into hell by walking into the living room and she had no idea what to expect.

When Jane found Maura, she was sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in her hand. She took a long, slow sip before she was alerted to Jane's presence. Jane felt suddenly awkward in Maura's home, like she was trespassing in a place she no longer belonged.

"Good morning," Maura's cool greeting made her heart ache. "Would you like a cup of coffee?"

Maura stood without waiting for Jane's reply, filling a cup and preparing it to Jane's specifications.

"Are you mad at me?" Jane blurted as she accepted the steaming mug. She instantly wished she could take the ridiculous question back. Of course Maura was angry- she had a million reasons to be upset.

Maura frowned.

"No," she replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Just," Jane shifted awkwardly. "Because of last night. It's not that I didn't wanna, you _know_… I did- I _do_. But the timing was kinda shitty."

Jane cursed intentionally, hoping Maura's soft chiding of, _language, Jane_, would bring back some of the familiar give and take between them. She put her coffee down on the counter, waiting.

Maura didn't censor her.

"I'm not angry," she said instead. "You were right. My behavior was entirely inappropriate. I was merely reacting on an emotional level, not thinking. I apologize."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Jane said sternly. "I'm the one who should be apologizing. I just don't wanna screw everything up between us, Maura. I don't even deserve to be your friend right now, let alone anything else."

Maura's gaze fell.

"But I'm gonna make it up to you," Jane swore. "All of it, as best I can. I promise. I'm gonna earn back the right to call you my friend."

Maura was looking at her strangely. "Why?" she queried hesitantly.

Jane's brow furrowed.

"Why what?" she asked.

"Why would you put so much effort into being my friend?" Maura replied.

Jane felt confusion, and then a primal ferocity that made her want to rage against the world.

It occurred to Jane that no one had ever fought for Maura. Her life had been full of people who just gave up, walked away, washed their hands of her when things got tough.

Jane would never understand how someone could do that to Maura.

It made her normal protective instincts kick into overdrive and she wanted nothing more than to wrap Maura in her arms and shelter her from the world.

She had to take two slow, deep breaths to calm herself before she could respond rationally.

"You're my best friend, Maura," Jane said sharply. "And I love you- that's why."

Maura nodded, stepping shyly towards Jane.

Jane was surprised, but she opened her arms and Maura moved into her embrace.

Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's waist, burying her face in Jane's unruly hair. Jane clutched at Maura's back with one hand, smoothing the other through her hair gently.

They stood in the kitchen, content to hold one another. Jane thought maybe she had saved a stadium full of nuns from death in a previous life- she must have done something pretty damn good to have Maura so willing and eager to trust her again.

Eventually, Jane's stomach growled loudly and Maura laughed, unsuccessfully hiding a sniffle as she pulled away.

"Would you like something to eat?" she offered. "I'm rather low on fresh vegetables but if my memory serves me, that's not a deterrent for you."

Jane laughed, and something inside her opened up, made space so she could breathe again.

"Why don't we go out?" Jane suggested. "Your choice- it's been a while since I've had company."

"Me too," Maura admitted, and Jane felt it pull tight around her heart.

"I'm sorry," Jane sighed. "I'm so, so sorry."

"No," Maura soothed, her face falsely bright. "I shouldn't have said that. I don't want you to spend the rest of our lives apologizing to me."

_The rest of our lives._

Jane's brain stalled on the phrase, uttered so casually, and she missed the rest of what Maura said.

"Jane?" Maura's voice broke into her reverie.

"Sorry," Jane shook herself out of the trance. "What did you say?"

"I was merely suggesting that you get your apology out now, just one," Maura responded. "And then we can agree that you have apologized sufficiently and start to move forward."

"That sounds fair," Jane nodded. She doubted her ability to stop apologizing, it tended to slip out automatically when Maura got that hurt, haunted look, but she would try. She could apologize in other ways than with words.

"Ok," Maura smiled softly. "Go ahead."

Jane needed the physical tether of Maura's warm, skin so she grabbed her hands. Swallowing harshly, Jane met Maura's eyes with a penetrating gaze.

"I'm sorry, Maura," she said. "I'm sorry that I betrayed your trust, hurt your feelings, pushed you away, lied to you, all of it- I'm so sorry it feels like it will never be enough. I want you to know that it wasn't a reflection on how I feel about you or our friendship, and that it hurt me so much to do that to you. It still hurts me. I'm sorry."

Jane held Maura's gaze but after long seconds, it was too much. She averted her eyes, focusing instead on her feet.

"That was more than one, _sorry_," Maura scolded lightly. She squeezed Jane's forearm briefly, and Jane looked up.

"Sorr-" Jane stopped short, a sardonic grin on her lips. "Am I allowed to apologize for other things?"

"If you're going to continue to insist on eating at Spike's when it's your turn to choose for lunch," Maura smiled. "Then I should say so."

A silent moment of understanding passed before Jane broke the connection.

"Well right now it's your turn to chose," she said. "And make it quick, cause I'm starving."

Maura smiled, and even though Jane knew they were both forcing it a little, it felt good.

They settled on Maura's favorite café on Newbury, so Jane insisted they stop at her house so she could change clothes.

The late meal was nice, and Jane relished the opportunity to even be near Maura after so long without her. Still, at moments there was a false levity to their words, and a shyness in Maura that cut Jane.

Maura dropped her off at her apartment after they ate, and Jane felt awkward as she unbuckled her seatbelt and searched for the right thing to say.

"Jane," Maura broke the charged silence. "It's ok. We'll work on it."

Surprised at Maura's perceptiveness, Jane shot her a sorrowful, apologetic smile.

"Thank you Maura," she said. "For tonight- for everything."

"You're welcome," Maura replied. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yes," Jane nodded. "I guess I better work on a lot more apologies."

Maura grimaced.

"Your family and friends love you, Jane," she told her. "I'm sure, in time, they'll learn to forgive you."

The words rang between them.

_In time._

Jane didn't want to wait. She didn't want time to separate her from Maura, from her friends and family.

So much time had been lost already

She knew she couldn't rush their trust, their forgiveness, but it was totally at odds with her nature to wait around.

Opening her door, Jane got out of the car. Leaning down, she looked inside at Maura one last time.

"Yeah," she agreed. "Drive safe."

"I will," Maura replied. "Goodnight."

"Night," Jane said, heading towards her building as Maura's car disappeared into the night.

In the morning, Jane couldn't believe how nervous she was. She wasn't exactly sure what her friends and family would say when she told them why she'd done what she had, but she knew it would be difficult for them to accept the way she'd lied.

On the way to work, Jane stopped at Maura's favorite coffee shop- the one where all the cups were brewed individually and you had to wait forever and the names were all in Italian and Jane felt immensely out of place.

She also grabbed Korsak's favorite pastry, Frost's favorite comic book, Frankie's favorite candy bar. She knew bribery wouldn't make her friends and family forgive her, but she figured it couldn't hurt.

At the precinct, she was acutely aware of the wide berth she'd earned herself. Knowing she would need a little time to prepare, she'd come to the precinct early. She put her gifts of contrition on their respective owners' desks, Frankie's candy bar in her top drawer.

She was surprised when she went down to the morgue and found Maura already hard at work.

"Hey," Jane greeted her. "I brought you some coffee."

Maura immediately recognized the label on the cup and her eyes lit up.

"Oh Jane," she smiled. "Thank you! That's very considerate."

"I was thinking we could go to Parish Café for lunch," Jane suggested. "If you're not busy."

"I'm not busy," Maura replied. "But you're always complaining about Parish."

"You like it," Jane shrugged. "And the chicken salad is ok. One o'clock?"

"Alright," Maura agreed. "I'm sure I'll see you before then. If you don't mind, I really should finish this."

Jane nodded, and when she handed the cup to Maura, they both allowed their fingers to graze, linger.

"I didn't want to interrupt," Jane said. "I'll let you get back to work."

"I don't mind the interruption," Maura admitted softly. "I rather like them, actually. But I really should complete this."

"Sure," Jane headed for the door. "I'll see you later."

Steeling herself, Jane headed back upstairs, knowing Frost and Korsak had likely arrived.

Indeed they had, and both men were speaking in animated, hushed tones, their heads close together.

"Good morning," Jane greeted them evenly.

They looked surprised.

"Morning," Korsak replied gruffly.

Jane wanted to explain, to tell them the truth, but the words got stuck in her throat.

Korsak studied her intently for a long minute.

"You know anything about this?" he indicated the pastry box on his desk.

"Uh yeah," Jane admitted. "About that."

"What do you want, Jane?" Frost asked harshly. "You in some kinda trouble or what? What's with trying to butter us up?"

"No," Jane shook her head, approaching the two men she trusted with her life but who no longer trusted her with their own. "I gotta explain the way I've been acting. If you could just hear me out…"

Neither man responded and she took it as the grudging allowance it was.

Briefly, she relayed the events of the past months, omitting the parts that involved Maura.

"Jesus," Frost swore when she finished. "You shoulda told us. We woulda helped."

"I didn't have a lot of influence in the situation," Jane replied. "I wanted to- I considered it. I'm real sorry for the way I've treated you both. I hope you can eventually forgive me."

"What did Maura say when you told her?" Frost asked, and Jane's eyes widened in surprise.

"What?" she asked.

"Come on Jane," Frost urged softly. "You wanna earn back that trust then now's a good time to start being straight with us. No pun intended."

Korsak guffawed and Jane blushed.

"Yeah, alright," Jane sighed. "She's hurt. But I think we're gonna be ok. She said she understands, that she thought you guys would too."

"We do," Korsak chimed in. "But it's kinda hard to wrap my head around it."

"Well wrap your mouth around that pastry," Frost snickered. "And cut Jane some slack."

Frost met Jane's eyes and Jane swallowed harshly to suppress the emotions welling in her throat. His look conveyed clearly the love and trust that Jane had worried would be gone forever.

"Alright nerd," Korsak snorted. "Read your little picture book and let me get some work done."

The two fell into their routine banter and Jane realized it had been silent, absent, for so many months.

Jane found Frankie, offered him the candy bar and explained. He reacted much the way Korsak and Frost did, although he gave her quite a bit more flak for not telling him, not reaching out.

As she prepared to leave, he pulled her into a brief, crushing hug.

"I missed ya' Janie," he breathed gruffly into her hair.

Jane squeezed him tightly.

"I missed you too," she replied.

Frankie stepped back from the hug and punched her on the arm.

"Ow!" Jane exclaimed. "Hell was that for?"

"Don't you ever go doin' nothing stupid like that again," Frankie warned. "Or I'm gonna have to beat you up."

His tone was light and teasing but the seriousness in his eyes, the compassion, told Jane that it hurt him but he understood.

"You couldn't beat me up if my hands were tied behind my back," Jane snapped laughingly.

"Well let's just see about that," Frankie retorted.

Their playful banter followed them down the hall towards Angela, and when her mother saw them, she froze, her brow furrowing and her eyes darkening in suspicion.

"Good luck," Frankie laughed.

Jane groaned, approaching her mother hesitantly.

"Got a sec, Ma?" she asked.

Not looking up, her mother continued wiping the counter.

"What is it Jane?" her cool tone erased the levity Jane had gained at Frankie's side.

"I gotta tell you something," Jane said. "I want to apologize."

Angela's hand faltered and she looked up hopefully.

"I'll explain it all later if you want," Jane began. She outlined the important parts of her situation, and by two-thirds of the way through Angela had thrown her arms around Jane's neck in a crushing grip.

"Oh Janie," she cried. "I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're ok- I'm never letting you out of my sight again!"

Jane groaned playfully.

"Maaa," she pulled back.

"Did you and Maura make up?" her mother asked insistently. "Go tell her right now- oh she's been devastated at the way you've been treating her."

Jane's eyes darkened, sorrow slipping over her shoulders like a familiar cloak.

"I talked to her Ma," Jane admitted.

"Oh thank goodness," Angela exclaimed. "I couldn't take much more of her tears."

Oblivious, Angela began telling Jane about the barbeque they should have. Jane allowed her mother to happily prattle on for a while before she broke into her mother's rambling.

"I gotta get back to work," she said.

"Alright," Angela grinned, hugging her daughter once again. "I love you Jane."

"I love you too Ma," Jane replied. "And I'm real sorry."

"You're forgiven," Angela brushed her apology aside. "You'll always be my daughter, and I will always love you, but there will be hell to pay if you ever put me through something like this again."

Jane smiled and nodded her assent.

"See you later Ma," she said.

"Family dinner on Sunday!" her mother called after her.

Jane's revelation traveled through the precinct rapidly, likely from Angela's incessant chattering. Some versions of the events got warped- Jane was shot, Jane was kidnapped by child smugglers, but the essential facts got around.

Jane was back.


	6. Reveal

In the days that followed, Jane could feel herself being accepted again. Things almost started to feel normal, almost started to feel like before.

She did her best to treat Maura better than ever before. Brought her little tokens- coffee, chocolate, wine, flowers, whatever she could think of. She picked Maura's favorite spots for lunch even though it was her own turn to choose. She opened doors and lifted crime scene tape and did anything she could think of to show Maura she cared, that she was worthy being considered a friend.

Maura seemed honestly delighted with Jane's efforts. She reciprocated whole-heartedly and her eager, open affection was compelling. Maura let her touches linger, laughed frequently, thanked Jane copiously for the gifts.

But she still hadn't said, _I forgive you Jane_, and for some reason Jane needed the words.

Frost and Korsak were easier to win over, well-timed jokes and skimming paperwork from their desks gaining back their familiar comfort with her. Jane bought the first round at the Dirty Robber each night they went out, and stayed sober so she could offer to drive people home.

Her mother didn't require convincing at all, and they fell easily back into their push-pull dynamic.

Frankie invited her to play basketball one afternoon and on the court, where it seemed less like a confession, Jane told him about Maura.

"Duh," he retorted, zig-zagging around her frozen body for an easy layup.

"What?" Jane stammered dumbly.

"I said," Frankie tossed her the ball. "_Duh_. I knew you loved the Doc from the beginning. Some detective _you_ are."

Jane stared at him for a moment until he rolled his eyes.

"Stop being such a baby and check the ball," he teased. "You get somma that yet?"

Jane checked the ball much harder than necessary, satisfied at the uncomfortable _oof_ that escaped Frankie.

"Don't be such a perv," she warned. "Maura and I are just friends."

"Uh huh," Frankie raised his eyebrows suggestively. "Whatever you say sis."

Jane beat Frankie soundly, and again when he demanded a rematch.

Two weeks had passed since she'd told her friends and family about the job with the FBI, and while it was going to take time to restore the trust she'd broken, she realized that the foundation was still sound. She simply had to keep working to repair the cracks around the edges.

"You'd better call Maura," Frankie's brow furrowed when he looked at his phone as they left the court.

"Why?" Jane felt panic slide up her spine.

"She texted me sayin' she's worried," he explained. "Says she can't get a hold of you."

Jane pulled her phone out, realizing it had been on vibrate while she played basketball with Frankie. Three missed calls. Two missed texts.

"Shit," she swore, knowing they were likely all from Maura. She dialed Maura's number, moving towards her car while it rang. "I'm sorry, Maur," she greeted when Maura picked up. "I was playing ball with Frankie and my phone was on silent. You're ok though?"

"I'm fine," Maura sounded uncharacteristically nervous. "Could you come over?"

"Sure," Jane assented, already heading towards Maura's home. "I'll be there in 15."

When Jane arrived, Maura let her in and then stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, wringing her hands together.

"I could use a drink- you want something?" Jane offered, feeling incredibly helpless in the face of Maura's obvious discomfort.

"No thank you," Maura replied.

"You're sure everything is ok?" Jane tried again, not moving towards the kitchen and feeling frozen.

"No," Maura said uncertainly. Jane's heart clenched and she took a step towards Maura, the urge to pull her into her arms almost instinctive. "Not exactly."

"What is it sweetie?" Jane soothed. "You can tell me anything."

"Are you still attracted to me?" Maura blurted.

Jane's eyes resembled sunny-side up eggs.

"What?" she stammered.

"I," Maura flushed, looking at the floor. The rest of her words came out in a tangled rush. "It's just you haven't… I love that you're trying so hard to be my friend but I don't, uh, I would like it if we were moving towards something beyond friendship. And I'm getting sort of tired of moving towards that point and I would like to know if we're going to get there anytime soon."

Jane tried to control her breathing.

"I'm not sure I understand," she admitted.

"I want you to kiss me," Maura said evenly. At Jane's wide-eyed stare, she looked away. "Among other things," she mumbled.

Jane swallowed and tried to focus through the haze of desire settling around her.

"I uh," she took a deep breath. "I didn't want to rush things, Maura. This is too important to screw up."

"Our relationship is too strong to be shaken by a few missteps," Maura replied. "So I think we should both stop being quite so cautious. That is what I'm attempting to do tonight."

"Be less cautious?" Jane clarified.

"Yes," Maura nodded. "I would like to be less cautious- with you."

Maura's formal, bizarre way of saying, _throw caution to the wind_ made Jane grin.

"That sounds interesting," she rumbled, stepping towards Maura but not touching her.

"What's stopping you?" Maura asked curiously.

"I don't feel like I've earned it," Jane admitted.

"I love you," Maura said, reaching out to stroke a cool hand across the back of Jane's neck, simultaneously using her hold to pull them closer together. "And I forgive you, but you need to forgive yourself or this will always be between us."

"I love you too," Jane softened under Maura's touch. "And I'm trying."

"Good," Maura said. "I'd hate for anything to stop us from being together. Now, I would like you to kiss me, please."

"Don't be so bossy," Jane teased, lowering her head slowly. She slid her hands possessively around Maura's waist. Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's neck.

"I wouldn't have to be so bossy," Maura retorted lightly. "If you would just do what you're supposed to do."

"Well who says-"

Maura cut Jane off by pressing her lips to Jane's. They rested against each other for a moment but the arc of desire between them demanded more. Maura's tongue probed Jane's lips, and Jane opened her mouth to Maura's assault.

The kiss quickly took on a life of its own, growing heated and lustful in moments. Their hands roamed, Jane's sliding under the hem of Maura's shirt to find smooth, warm skin. Maura rasped her nails lightly against Jane's neck.

"Take me to bed," Maura ordered breathlessly.

Jane was helpless to deny Maura.

Running her hands down to the backs of Maura's thighs, she lifted the smaller woman, never breaking the staccato rhythm of their kisses. Maura's hands roamed Jane's body as Jane carried her towards the bedroom, and when Maura hit a sensitive spot Jane slumped against the wall, cursing.

"Language Jane," Maura scolded breathily.

Jane groaned and Maura giggled, making desire pool in Jane's gut along with an almost violent sense of possession.

Jane released Maura at the foot of the bed. Maura's body sliding down hers was a match striking, the delicious friction eliciting a moan from both women.

Without hesitating, Maura climbed up onto the bed. Jane watched with dark eyes as Maura laid back against the pillows, extending a hand towards Jane in invitation.

Jane crawled up the bed predatorily, pinning Maura beneath her. Maura's legs spread, allowing Jane to rest between them.

Suddenly unsure of herself, of the raging emotions inside, she avoided Maura's lips, instead making a slow descent from her earlobe to her collar. Jane kissed and nipped her way down, trying not to leave a mark but knowing it was inevitable.

When she reached Maura's collar, she tugged on the hem of Maura's sweater.

"Off," she urged. Maura obliged, removing the offending garment. Jane closed her eyes against the rush of blood pounding in her ears at the sight of Maura topless. "Bra too," she added, not at all surprised by how deep her voice was.

Maura lifted, unclasping her bra and sliding it off.

"So fucking perfect," Jane growled. She leaned back and adjusted her position so that both hands were free. Trailing them slowly up from Maura's hips, Jane's hands covered Maura's breasts and they both moaned.

Maura's breasts were slightly too large for Jane's long fingers and she loved it. The smooth, alabaster skin made her mouth water.

"I thought I'd lost this chance," she hissed. Her voice was dark, so deep and raspy, she almost didn't recognize it.

"No," Maura moaned. "You didn't."

"If I had," Jane laved her tongue across one of Maura's nipples and Maura squirmed beneath her. "It wouldn't have been worth it. Now that I know… nothing compares to this."

Leaning down, Jane pulled a pert nipple between her teeth and tugged. Maura writhed under her, nails biting into Jane's forearms. Jane's hand manipulated Maura's other breast in counterpoint. With her free hand, Jane grazed Maura's torso, tracing the flowing curves of her silhouette.

"Jane," Maura moaned. Desire spiked through Jane like lightening, consuming her like a flash fire.

"Again," Jane ordered.

Maura struggled to understand, her eyes finding Jane's.

"Say my name like that again," Jane commanded darkly.

"Earn it," Maura countered breathlessly.

Jane moved to Maura's other breast, puling it into her mouth. She licked across the nipple repeatedly, mimicking her plans for other parts of Maura's anatomy, before nipping harshly.

"Jane," Maura cried. "Oh god. I've missed you so much."

Jane moved then, pressing her lips desperately to Maura's. The heated tangle of their lips and tongues was groping and wet. The erotic feel of Maura's tongue, tentative at first and then bold, commanding, was nearly overwhelming.

Maura's hands roamed every inch of Jane's body they could reach. Jane knew she was being greedy, possessive, knew that Maura deserved so much more, but she couldn't seem to slow down.

She thought of all the ways she had hurt Maura, of all the things she had done wrong. She thought about how easily Maura had forgiven her, about the selfless, compassionate things she had done to help Jane the night she brought Anna to the doctor's house.

Jane tamped down on her own desire as best she could, determined to worship Maura the way she deserved.

Maura was trusting herself to Jane despite the fact that Jane still wasn't sure she deserved that trust, so she was going to show Maura that she could be what Maura needed.

Pulling back, Jane pressed a soft kiss to Maura's cheek, nose, forehead.

"I love you," Jane rasped. "So much."

"I love you too," Maura replied, her hand stroking Jane's cheek softly. Jane turned, kissing Maura's palm.

Jane sat back on her heels, looking down at Maura. Flushed, naked from the waist up, her hair tangled and her eyes dark, Maura looked like a goddess. Jane wanted to dive into her and never come out.

Maura squirmed slightly under Jane, her eyes seeking out Jane's in the dim light of the room. There was no shyness there, but Jane could see uncertainty- as if Maura thought Jane was going to pull away and abandon her.

"Nothing could drag me away from you now," Jane rumbled. "If the earth opened up right here I wouldn't move from this spot."

Maura's lips turned up, her eyes softening.

"For someone who claims to have trouble with words," she teased. "You're doing an awfully good job."

"I just don't want you to doubt," Jane sighed, her head bowed. She felt something in her gut swirling violently. "I want you to know, to be certain, of how I feel. I know that I've given you a lot of reasons to doubt me over the last few weeks, and I can't take that back. But from this point forward I will do anything, _everything_, to make you sure."

"I am sure," Maura laced her fingers through Jane's. "But don't take that to mean I wouldn't mind a bit of reminding every now and then."

"Well let me start right now then," Jane grinned, and the way Maura's eyes darkened and her lips parted went straight to her core.

"By all means," Maura allowed gracefully.

"I love…" Jane scanned from Maura's hips to her eyes before focusing on her chest. "Your heart." She leaned down and kissed the skin over Maura's heart, lingering for a minute.

"Oh?" Maura asked shakily.

"Uh huh," Jane confirmed, lingering over the smooth skin there. "You're so kind and gentle and caring, sometimes it makes my heart ache at how lucky I am to have you in my life."

Jane sat up, once again scanning Maura's body.

"And your hands," Jane sighed dreamily, picking one up to kiss each finger. "So delicate and strong. They are so beautiful. Sometimes just looking at your hands makes me shiver."

Maura swallowed harshly.

"You don't have to do this," she whispered, so soft it was almost inaudible over their ragged breathing.

"You don't get it," Jane was bewildered. "Do you?"

Maura looked up at her curiously, brow furrowed.

"You are," Jane paused, trying to find the right word. "Phenomenal. Amazing. Perfect. You're everything to me. I want to tell you, to show you, all the reasons why. I can't do that in just one night- it'll take a lifetime to even come close. But let me try, starting now."

Maura nodded, a tear slipping down her cheek. Jane brushed it away tenderly.

"Hmm," she pretended to consider. "I love your big brain." She pressed a line of kisses across Maura's forehead. "Sometimes it's annoying as hell, but I love how smart you are. I'm honored that someone as intelligent as you is willing to be around someone like me."

"You're very-" Maura tried to interrupt but Jane stopped her by pressing a finger to her lips.

"Right now it's my turn," Jane said softly.

Maura nodded her agreement, kissing the tip of Jane's finger.

"Oh, and your stomach," Jane ran her hands across the smooth plane of Maura's abs. "I know I make fun of yoga but if it helps keep you looking like this I'll just shut up." Maura squirmed a little and Jane's head snapped up. "Maura Isles, are you ticklish?" she asked in faux shock.

Maura bit her lower lip and tried not to smile.

"A little," she admitted. "Some scientists believe it's a physiological response alerting us to a threat, such as bugs or parasites crawling on the body."

Jane laughed, loudly, her head thrown back carelessly.

"I don't care what science says," she grinned. "You're ticklish!"

"Well it's not like it's something I can control," Maura sighed dramatically, practically pouting.

Jane lightly trailed her fingers across the same spots that had elicited Maura's reaction the moment before, delighted when Maura smiled and squirmed.

"Just another thing I love about you," Jane breathed, pecking Maura briefly on the lips. Maura wrapped her hand around the back of Jane's neck, trying to pull her in and deepen the kiss.

"Uh-uh," Jane scolded lightly, leaning back. "I'm not done."

"Jane," Maura groaned. "I'm glad that you love me but certain parts of me are getting a bit frustrated."

Jane laughed.

"Patience is a virtue, Maura," she admonished teasingly.

"I don't want to have patience," Maura sassed. "When I want you inside me."

Jane shuddered involuntarily and bit her bottom lip as white-hot desire threatened to derail her plans.

"In a minute," she purred.

Returning to Maura's breasts, Jane put one hand over each, her palms rasping against the nipples. With her fingers splayed wide open, she massaged gently.

"You have the most amazing breasts," she growled. "When you lean over at work and I can see them, spilling out of those damn dresses, I just want to reach over and nibble on them so everyone else knows they belong to me."

To emphasize the point, Jane did just that. Bending down, she placed her mouth against Maura's succulent flesh and began marking her.

Maura's breathy sighs were making her almost delusional with the need to claim her.

"They're mine," Jane nipped harshly, causing Maura to gasp in surprise.

"Yes," Maura agreed.

Jane moved her lips up, tugging Maura's earlobe between her teeth. She ran her hand over Maura's breasts as she worried the skin with her lips and tongue.

"You're mine," she breathed into Maura's ear.

"Yes," Maura repeated.

"And I'm yours," Jane promised, leaning back to meet Maura's gaze.

Maura's eyes were glassy, her lips swollen, and she nodded.

Jane sat back and reached for the waistband of Maura's pants, deftly flicking them open and coaxing them off Maura's legs. She wasted no time, taking Maura's delicate lace panties too.

There would be time to enjoy Maura's taste for expensive lingerie later.

"Your legs," Jane ran a palm up the outside of each leg, from ankle to hip. "Jesus they're so fucking sexy. When you flaunt around the precinct in those skirts, I want to grab you, wrap those legs around my waist so I can feel your skin against mine."

Maura attempted to wrap Jane up in just that way but Jane put a hand on the inside of each knee.

"Later," she cautioned. "I've got other plans right now."

Starting at Maura's ankle, Jane kissed a trail up each leg, ending with a kiss to each hipbone.

Maura was trembling under her, and Jane was feeling lightheaded from the look in Maura's eyes, from the exertion of holding her own desire at bay.

Finally, Jane set her sights on Maura's center. The glistening skin was covered in a dusting of hair and Jane sighed.

_Finally_.

With her thumbs, Jane gently parted Maura's folds, her heart beating so hard she thought she might pass out.

Using her hands, Jane thoroughly explored Maura, trying to focus on what made her squirm, sigh, clench the sheets between her fists. When she slid a finger home inside of Maura, Maura gasped.

When her lips touched Maura for the first time, Jane thought she must have died. Surely nothing could be this good. Given the way she had acted lately, she should have been punished. And this sweet, sweet torment was too good to be anything but absolution, forgiveness.

She worked her tongue through Maura's folds almost greedily, the noises Maura made driving her blindly forward.

"Jane," Maura's voice trembled.

Jane looked up, and Maura was gazing down at her with a piercing look that made Jane's hands shake.

"I want to feel you," Maura added, reaching a hand down towards Jane.

Jane accepted, moving to lie partially across Maura's torso. She pressed two fingers back inside of Maura grazing her thumb across Maura's clit.

Maura clutched at Jane's body wildly, her fingernails digging into Jane's flesh.

"Jane," she moaned, her body quaking.

Jane felt a rush of power more heady than anything she'd ever experienced. She doubled her efforts, using her free hand to manipulate Maura's breast. Stretching to her full height, she found Maura's lips with her own, kissing her softly, at odds with the frenzied movement of her hand.

Maura clearly had other ideas, and she sucked on Jane's tongue, kissing her with a ferocious passion that momentarily distracted Jane. When her hand stalled, Maura bucked her hips wildly, urging Jane back into motion.

A few more seconds of the glorious feeling of Jane's fingers inside her and the firm strokes against her clit was all it took to push Maura over the edge. Jane wanted to watch, to see Maura's face as she was suspended in the sweet agony, but Maura held her close.

Obliging Maura's need for the contact, Jane released Maura's breast, wrapping her arm around the smaller woman to pull her close. Maura shook for what seemed like an eternity, Jane's fingers drawing out her pleasure until she couldn't take any more.

Jane rested her forehead against Maura's collarbone, distantly aware that she herself was trembling almost violently.

How could she have so recklessly gambled this away? What if she had been wrong? What if she had never known this feeling?

It was only then she realized she was trembling because she was crying.

Maura seemed to climb through a fog to find her.

"Jane?" her concerned, breathless voice made Jane pull her closer. Maura wrapped her arms around Jane tightly, holding her close.

"I'm sorry," Jane whispered. "For everything I put you through. I'm so sorry."

"I forgive you," Maura said. "You did a good thing, Jane. You wouldn't be you if you didn't think of others before yourself. It's one of the many things I love about you."

Jane inhaled deeply, soaking in the scent of Maura's sweat and skin and lingering hints of her perfume. Rolling over, she pulled Maura to rest on top of her, worried that her weight must be crushing the doctor.

"I won't do it again," Jane swore. "Now that I know… if I lost this. I'd die, Maura."

Maura cupped Jane's cheeks in her hands and urged Jane to meet her eyes.

"You'd do it again," Maura said with conviction. "I wouldn't expect any less of you. I love you for who you are, Jane, not for who you think you should be."

"I don't want to lose you," Jane admitted, herself afraid of the very thing Maura had just expressed. She was afraid that, in a similar situation, she might do it again. Her life was certainly not worth that of more than a hundred children, but Maura's was.

"You won't," Maura assured her. "No one has ever loved me like you do. I'd be a fool to throw that away." Maura sucked Jane's lower lip between both of her own. "Now if you don't mind, I'm very curious if you taste as good as you smell."

"Maura," Jane breathed harshly, exquisite agony in her voice.

Maura took advantage of her position on top of Jane, sliding her body against Jane's erotically. Jane's eyes closed.

"Take your shirt off," Maura ordered, already tugging at Jane's shorts. Jane complied, whipping her shirt off.

She realized that she was wearing a sports bra, that she smelled of sweat and that she wished she'd thought to shower for Maura. She took off the bra and tossed it aside, wincing.

Maura sensed her discomfort.

"You're perfect," Maura said matter-of-factly. She stroked Jane's breasts firmly, skimming the nipples with her thumbs.

"I'm all sweaty and gross," Jane scoffed.

"I love the way you look when you've just worked out," Maura admitted, continuing her erotic assault on Jane's breasts. "Your muscles are all so artfully tensed, and the way you smell… sometimes just thinking about it arouses me."

Jane groaned, and it turned into a choked sobbing sound when Maura put her nose against Jane's curls and inhaled greedily, pausing for only a second before running her tongue firmly through Jane's folds.

"Hmmm," she hummed. "Better than I imagined."

Maura used her lips and tongue to explore every intimate inch of Jane, driving Jane to the brink of insanity and then easing off time after time.

Eventually, Jane snapped.

"Please Maura," she gritted, looking down at her eager lover.

Maura seemed surprised when she met Jane's eyes. She blushed, and Jane bit her lip.

"Sorry," Maura apologized, her voice a breathy whisper. "I got a bit carried away I guess. You just taste so good, and your skin is so soft."

Maura's heady words and the steady movement of her lips and fingers pushed Jane over the edge into a trembling mass of desire and release. Slowly, Maura pulled back and crawled up Jane's body to lie on top of her.

"I can't wait to do that again," she sighed dreamily, and Jane's body twitched beneath her.

"You're going to kill me," Jane rasped, a choked laugh escaping her.

"I've not encountered any research that suggests orgasming could result in death," Maura yawned.

Jane rolled her eyes and laughed.

"Ok," Jane allowed. "But there's a first time for everything."

Maura rolled slightly to the side and tucked herself up against Jane, her head in the crook of Jane's neck. Pulling the comforter over them, she placed a chaste kiss to Jane's shoulder.

"I love you Jane," she said.

"I love you too," Jane responded, and she soaked in the absolute perfection of going to sleep with Maura, naked, in her arms.

"Goodnight," Maura whispered.

"Goodnight," Jane returned, kissing the top of Maura's head softly.

Jane wasn't sure she'd be able to sleep, her thoughts running a mile a minute, but Maura's warm, soft body and her gentle breathing soothed Jane into slumber.


	7. Forever

Jane jolted upright when she awoke and tried to quell the panic in her gut when she realized Maura wasn't in the room.

They'd had an honest, tender experience the night before but Jane still felt fear knotting in her stomach. Waking up alone after a night of making love was never a good sign.

When the scent of coffee and bacon assaulted her, her fear abated somewhat. She took a moment to compose herself, to breathe deeply and stretch her tired body, before standing.

She inhaled the scent of Maura's bedroom, but her stomach rumbled, interrupting her romantic musing. Smiling, she threw on her shorts and one of Maura's shirts, and padded quietly out into the kitchen.

Jane stopped short at the sight of Maura, swaying to soft music as she chopped something at the counter. Maura was wearing nothing but underwear and Jane's sweaty Red Sox shirt, her hair up in a messy twist. Jane held her breath, straining to confirm her suspicion- Maura was singing along to the music.

Stepping forwards quietly and quickly, Jane put her arms around Maura's waist and pressed herself against Maura's back.

Maura tensed briefly, then relaxed, and Jane was elated when Maura leaned back eagerly into the touch. Jane kissed the exposed skin of Maura's neck.

"You really shouldn't sneak up on people with knives, Jane," Maura scolded lightly.

"You're not _people_," Jane retorted. "You're _you_. I trust you not to stab me."

Maura snickered and continued chopping, Jane's arms still around her waist.

"I hope I didn't wake you," she said. "I tried to keep the music turned down."

"Nah," Jane shrugged. "But I didn't like waking up alone."

"I'm sorry," Maura stopped chopping and turned in Jane's embrace, her hands finding Jane's. "I wanted to make you some breakfast- I'm sure you haven't been eating properly."

Jane smiled and kissed Maura softly.

"I appreciate that," Jane told her. "But I've always wondered what it would be like to wake up with you in my arms, and I still don't know."

Maura stepped around Jane, moving a pan and turning the burner off.

"I can help with that," Maura said. She laced her fingers through Jane's and wordlessly led her back to the bedroom. Climbing into bed, Maura looked at Jane expectantly.

"What are you doing?" Jane asked, a bemused smile on her lips.

"Going back to bed so you can wake up with me in your arms," Maura said matter-of-factly.

"Damn you're adorable," Jane sighed. Maura blushed and Jane crawled into bed next to her. Maura immediately moved into Jane's space, throwing an arm across her waist and tangling their legs together.

"I had a nearly impossible time getting up this morning," Maura admitted. "I didn't want to move."

Jane skimmed her hand up and down Maura's forearm, her other arm wrapped around her shoulders. She was awed at the perfect fit of Maura's lithe frame against hers.

"Are you asleep?" Maura teased. "Because I am."

"Yeah," Jane laughed. "Alright, I'm asleep."

Both women closed their eyes and took a moment to soak in the closeness. Then Maura pretended to yawn and stir against Jane.

She rested her chin on Jane's chest, peering up through lowered eyelids. Jane cracked one eye open.

"Good morning," Maura cooed, stretching up to kiss Jane. The kiss was slow, exploratory, and thorough enough to make Jane's toes curl. "Are you hungry?"

"Famished," Jane purred, grazing her hand down to Maura's ass.

Maura giggled, squirming against Jane.

"Jaaane," she cautioned. "You should eat first."

"Ok," Jane relented, pulling Maura into a bear-hug. "I like waking up this way."

"Me too," Maura admitted. "I love you."

"I love you too," Jane replied, and her stomach made an angry noise. "I guess you'd better feed me."

"Come on," Maura rolled out of the bed and offered her hand to Jane. "I have a surprise for you."

Curious, Jane took Maura's hand and allowed herself to be led to Maura's back porch.

Maura had set the small table there, and the set-up revealed she'd gone to a lot of effort, expending a fair amount of energy with great care and attention to detail. Guiding Jane into a seat, Maura kissed the top of her head and went back inside.

"I'll be right back," she promised.

Jane swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded silently. She wondered if Maura would ever stop surprising her, or if she'd ever find the right words to explain to Maura how important, perfect, _everything_, she was.

In a few trips, Maura burdened the table with coffee, fruit, juice, pancakes, bacon, yogurt, and a handful of other things. Jane tried to help but Maura denied her assistance.

"Just let me do this for you," Maura encouraged. "Please?"

"Ok," Jane relented. Maura's attention was difficult to swallow, and Jane realized that it was Maura's way of speaking in actions. Jane might be able to hear Maura's words, to feel the love there, but to her, nothing communicated more clearly than actions.

So having Maura make all her favorite things, put so much effort into caring for her, it filled her to the brim with warm, tender emotions. On her final trip outside, Maura slid the screen door closed and soft music reached Jane's ears.

"Go ahead," Maura smiled. "Eat while it's hot."

Before she could sit down, Jane grabbed Maura's wrist and pulled her into Jane's lap. Pressing her lips to Maura's, Jane tried to telegraph her overwhelming gratitude with her lips and tongue.

When Jane pulled back, Maura looked pleasantly dazed.

"What was that for?" she asked.

"This," Jane indicated the table. "Everything. I love you, and I love that you love me too."

Maura kissed Jane briefly and then stood, taking a seat adjacent to her. Their chairs were close together, and Jane skimmed a hand across Maura's back tenderly.

"I do love you," Maura responded. "And while I communicate primarily in words, I recognize actions are a very powerful way of communicating. I hope you like the pancakes."

Jane nodded, and they ate in companionable silence. At the end of the meal, Maura wordlessly handed Jane the sports section of the newspaper and flipped open a magazine. Jane tried to focus on the sports page but it was difficult, with Maura looking so effortlessly sexy and close enough to touch.

Reaching out, Jane soothed her fingers across the back of Maura's neck. Maura shivered and Jane smiled. She kept up the light touch, watching in fascination as goosebumps skittered across Maura's arms.

Maura continued reading, and Jane moved to rubbing small circles at the top of Maura's spine, the smooth skin exposed by her shirt. Jane was incredibly grateful for the pampering Maura gave her body- her skin was intoxicating, silken and warm and… perfect.

Leaning over, Jane pressed a kiss to Maura's shoulder.

In her mind's eye, an image of them in the same position but with two girls playing in the grass formed. Jane could picture the toddlers dressed to the nines but staining their clothes with dirt and grass, little dark-blonde girls with loud laughter and bright smiles, who were smart as hell and would someday throw a mean right hook.

"Jane," Maura's soft voice snapped Jane out of her reverie. "Where did you go?"

"Sorry," Jane shook her head to clear the muddled thoughts. "I was just thinking I really love it here, with you. It's like your own private little world back here. I don't want to leave it."

"We don't have to," Maura suggested gently. "I don't mind."

Jane kissed Maura softly, in awe that she was allowed to do so.

"Just for a little while?" she asked.

"Alright," Maura nodded. "For as long as you'd like."

"Forever," Jane whispered.

"That's a given," Maura met her gaze.

The look was filled with tenderness, love, joy. Jane held it, attempting to reflect back her own matching emotions.

Finally, Maura leaned over and sealed it with a kiss.

"Forever," Jane breathed. "I like the sound of that."


End file.
